Exclusive! People Magazine Hates the Gays!

Normally I would dedicate myself, and thereby my blog, to making stupid jokes like "Lance says 'Bye Bye Bye' to heterosexuality," or "Reichen 'Dirty Pops' Lance's cherry," or even "Lance 'Digitally Gets Down' with men!" Seriously, normally I'd be all about that-- but not today. Today I must address a very serious social inequity.

Unless you've just awakened from a catnap that accidentally lasted a decade [read: coma], you're probably aware of the new issue of People magazine which hit newstands Friday-- you know, the one where Lance Bass confirms what the entire free world has known since the inception of N*Sync back in 1996-- that he is in fact a God-fearing, ass-loving Friend of Dorothy. That noise you just heard? The collective sound of a nation gasping in shocked unison because NO ONE ever even had A CLUE.

However, I must admit there is a bit of the whole ordeal that I do find truly scandalous-- that being the ABYSMAL cover photo on People. For that particular shot to be selected for the cover, it had to be approved by a whole team of editors-- all of which clearly hate the gays. Even Haggard Britney or Fat Kirtstie Alley get more loving photoshop attention. Can we not extend the same air-brushing courtesies to one Lance Bass and his newfound gaiety? Seriously? And is it even remotely possible that from an entire photo shoot that was the best picture taken? It's just NOT. Personally I don't even find L.Bass appealing, but I've seen better low-res candids of him trolling around Provincetown, MA, for stray ass. There really should have been a stylist present, or in the event of photographing a gay man -- a former boybander no less [dare I say national treasure?] -- there should have been a SQUADRON of stylists all FAWNING over him to ensure the preservation of the "Why Are All the Hott Ones Gay" epidemic, currently contageous in liberal arts colleges, nationwide.

Honestly though, I am forced to reflect on last week's "stunning revelation" and wonder if People magazine doesn't have their own anti-gay agenda ready to counteract the current gay movement? I mean, perhaps Lance was meant to look approachable and human? Or perhaps he was meant to look like a 31 year old special needs man-child who really likes grape posicles and lives in a cardboard fort in his parents' basement? Or perhaps it's all part of People's masterplan to take down the glamorous empire of the gays, one has-been-boybander at a time?

You be the judge...

Adventures in Babysitting!!

Breaking news: Raven Simone is a fat bitch.

Why, you may be asking? Well let me tell you why. In conjunction with everyone's favorite studio -- Disney, of course -- one Ms. Simone is set to star in a remake of one of the Greatest 80's Films Ever: Adventures in Freakin' Babysitting!

How could this even be happening!? I feel sick, confused, alone, bewildered, numb... bewildered.

Let's be real about this. For starters, the original AIB announced the arrival of a brilliant young auteur -- one Christopher Columbus -- to the scene of American cinema. His masterful reinterpretation of The Odyssey starring ingenue Elisabeth Shue [hertofore known primarily for her role as blonde hottie "Ali Mills" in the Karate Kid, but I digress] as a modern-day Odysseus transcended both genre and medium to become simply "art". Seriously. You show me a person who didn't watch back to back Adventures in Babysitting Saturdays on TBS and then wake up Sunday and watch it again on USA and I'll show you a moron idiot philistine. What's more is that, really, AIB paved the way for other monumental touchstones of cinema... like Home Alone, Mrs. Doubtfire, and Harry Potter. And Rent. That was a gem. Seriously though, all bitchery aside, why!?

Slightly tangential -- though still pertinent -- to this all, can I just say how much I LOVE that very first scene in Babysitting where "Chris" is getting ready for a night on the town with her boyfriend while dancing around to the Crystals' And Then He Kissed Me only to find out said boyfriend is a huge cad and is ditching her for the evening. It made me long for the day that I, too, would be doing that very same thing, less getting stood up and falling back on an evening of child services to keep me entertained. I also LOVE the part with the auto mechanic who may or may not actually be Thor, Norse God of Thunder who I prefer to believe actually IS Thor, Norse God of Thunder. And the part on the subway where she says "DON'T FUCK with the BABYSITTER!" God, I just love that. Seriously, why remake perfection?

Anyhow, I'll be sure to keep everyone abreast of the situation as new informations continues to roll in. Seriously, I could make so many puns about the size of Raven Fatmone's huge knockers or all her rolls of fat right now. But I won't. Because I'm classy like that.

Signing off. Good day to you all.

E! True Hollywood Story: Minesweeper

okay, so truthfully my latest obsession has been the delightful PC game Minesweeper, est. circa the late Mesozoic [technically, the Cretaceous] Era.

in the spirit of full disclosure, i have to admit i could never figure out how the game actually worked. what's that? brilliant, you say? moi? indeed. conceptually, the whole thing was mind-boggling. "what are all these stupid numbers," i would find myself wondering, and then after that, "oh great. i found a bomb and died. again."

so, miracle of miracles, the heavens parted and suddenly i figured out what the hell the game was all about a few days ago-- and was then both alternately shocked and embarassed by how utterly simple it really is. it's basically a math/logic game designed to help toddlers with their reasoning skills. which perahps would explain my inability to grasp the concept-- i lack any coherent sense of reasoning.

anyhow, today let's raise our glasses to a faithful standby of a PC game, Minesweeper!

you can play it for free here:

Minesweeper rocks, bitches!

all about the emmy's

This morning at an obscenely early press conference, the 58th annual Primetime Emmy Awards were announced. They are as follows:

Drama Series:

Grey's Anatomy, ABC
House, Fox
The Sopranos, HBO
24, Fox
The West Wing, NBC

Comedy Series:

Arrested Development, Fox
Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO
The Office, NBC
Scrubs, NBC
Two and a Half Men, CBS

Miniseries:

Bleak House (Masterpiece Theatre), PBS
Elizabeth I, HBO
Into the West, TNT
Sleeper Cell, Showtime

Made-for-TV Movie:

Flight 93, A&E
The Flight That Fought Back, Discovery Channel
The Girl in the Cafe, HBO
Mrs. Harris, HBO
Yesterday, HBO

Variety, Music or Comedy Series:

The Colbert Report, Comedy Central
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, Comedy Central
Late Night With Conan O'Brien, NBC
Late Show With David Letterman, CBS
Real Time With Bill Maher, HBO

Actor, Drama Series:

Denis Leary, Rescue Me, FX Network
Peter Krause, Six Feet Under, HBO
Kiefer Sutherland, 24, Fox
Martin Sheen, The West Wing, NBC

Actress, Drama Series:

Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer, TNT
Geena Davis, Commander in Chief, ABC
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, NBC
Frances Conroy, Six Feet Under, HBO
Allison Janney, The West Wing, NBC

Supporting Actor, Drama Series:

William Shatner, Boston Legal, ABC
Oliver Platt, Huff, Showtime
Michael Imperioli, The Sopranos, HBO
Gregory Itzin, 24, Fox
Alan Alda, The West Wing, NBC

Supporting Actress, Drama Series:

Candice Bergen, Boston Legal, ABC
Sandra Oh, Grey's Anatomy, ABC
Chandra Wilson, Grey's Anatomy, ABC
Blythe Danner, Huff, Showtime
Jean Smart, 24, Fox

Actor, Comedy Series:

Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO
Kevin James, The King of Queens, CBS
Tony Shalhoub, Monk, USA
Steve Carell, The Office, NBC
Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men, CBS

Actress, Comedy Series:

Lisa Kudrow, The Comeback, HBO
Jane Kaczmarek, Malcolm in the Middle, Fox
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine, CBS
Stockard Channing, Out of Practice, CBS
Debra Messing, Will & Grace, NBC

Supporting Actor, Comedy Series:

Will Arnett, Arrested Development, Fox
Jeremy Piven, Entourage, HBO
Bryan Cranston, Malcolm in the Middle, Fox
Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men, CBS
Sean Hayes, Will & Grace, NBC

Supporting Actress, Comedy Series:

Cheryl Hines, Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO
Alfre Woodard, Desperate Housewives, ABC
Jaime Pressly, My Name Is Earl, ABC
Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds, Showtime
Megan Mullally, Will & Grace, NBC

Actor, Miniseries or a Movie:

Charles Dance, Bleak House (Masterpiece Theatre), PBS
Donald Sutherland, Human Trafficking, Lifetime
Ben Kingsley, Mrs. Harris, HBO
Jon Voight, Pope John Paul II, CBS
Andre Braugher, Thief, FX Network

Actress, Miniseries or a Movie:

Kathy Bates, Ambulance Girl, Lifetime
Gillian Anderson, Bleak House (Masterpiece Theatre), PBS
Helen Mirren, Elizabeth I, HBO
Judy Davis, A Little Thing Called Murder, Lifetime
Annette Bening, Mrs. Harris, HBO

Supporting Actor, Miniseries or a Movie:

Denis Lawson, Bleak House (Masterpiece Theatre), PBS
Hugh Dancy, Elizabeth I, HBO
Jeremy Irons, Elizabeth I, HBO
Robert Carlyle, Human Trafficking, Lifetime
Clifton Collins Jr., Thief, FX Network

Supporting Actress, Miniseries or a Movie:

Kelly Macdonald, The Girl in the Cafe, HBO
Shirley Jones, Hidden Places, Hallmark
Ellen Burstyn, Mrs. Harris, HBO
Cloris Leachman, Mrs. Harris, HBO
Alfre Woodard, The Water Is Wide (Hallmark Hall of Fame Presentation), CBS

First of all, congratulations to HBO! They received a staggering 95 total nods, and are followed by ABC which garnered 64 nomiations.

Now, as many probably heard this year, the Emmy's implemented a new nominating procedure that was intended to open up the Emmy's to previously snubbed performances and shows. Many were citing the new system as "the Lauren Graham rule", because it was widely expected that the nominationally-challenged actress would finally receive the credit she so richly deserves. This morning, many were proven wrong.

It probably doesn't help Lauren Graham that she's on a WB television show, and that the Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse is anything on the WB receiving anything other than a Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Award. Remember, the WB is the network that used to have a cartoon frog dancing around in a top hat and tails. It was real, and it wasn't pretty.

Also unpretty is the total shut-out for all the leading talent of Desperate Housewives, which didn't even receive so much as a nomination for Outstanding Comedy Series. Though it probably didn't help that the show was NOT FUNNY this season. Not at all. Not even a little. Not even when I was high (then it was just frightening). Big changes are expected for next season, including Teri Hatcher's replacement by a sock puppet named "Flopsy".

ABC is also probably smarting from the lack of nominations it received for LOST in any major category, but again I'm forced to cite the "Your Show Sucked Balls in its Sophmore Season Rule". Seriously, the season finale? What was that even? Ugh.

On a different note, I was thrilled to see Peter Krause and Frances Conroy's nomitations for Six Feet Under, which will live forever in my heart as one of the Best Shows in the Known Universe. Though I must note that Lauren Ambrose was certainly overlooked -- perhaps for her age -- and truly deserved a nomination more than any other actor on the series this season, as her performance was like a shining beacon of humanity that lodged itself in my viscera and took me on the most incredible journey. However, on the whole, the entire cast of this show was always sublime, and I will miss their inspired, brilliant, revelatory work.

Also, it's great to see that Grey's Anatomy was shown some preliminary love by the Gods of Emmy. Sandra Oh and Chandra Wilson deserve the recognition they received, though I believe every woman on that show deserved a nomination for their stellar second season-- which was a real tour-de-force, if you'll pardon the cheesiness of the expression. I especially admired Ellen Pompeo this year, who dared to take the role of Meredith everywhere that was demanded of her-- even to the point of the obnoxious leading heroine that viewers began to despise. Equally glowing, I believe, was Kate Walsh's indelebly delicious Addison, stranded between her strength and loneliness. Both Ellen and Kate's performances were beautifully human, which is the real reason I love Grey's, because it showcases such vulnerable humanity.

Also, congratulations are due to Donald Sutherland and Robert Carlyle on their nominations for their fine work in Lifetime's Human Trafficking. For anyone who didn't catch the billboards or commercials, Human Trafficking is the true story of Mira Sorvino going "undercover" as a whore [or mail-order-bride or something] to catch "thieves" that buy and sell young girls. That is NOT a joke. So don't laugh. Not even a little. It should be noted that Mira Sorvino was not nominated because she's already received an Oscar for playing a whore (Mighty Aphrodite, 1996), and everybody knows that once you get an Oscar for playing something like a whore or a retard, it's just second nature. Take Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump for example. No one knew it before then, but Tom Hanks is actually a little slow in the head. Touched, if you will.

Oh! Be sure to cross your fingers for Arrested Devolopment, because even though it's dead, it's still owed some major awards love for being the most intelligent ensemble comedy EVER created. Too bad it had to be on Fox, "where great television goes to die".

So before I wrap this up, I just want to say, Stockard Channing for Out of Practice? What. The. Fuck!? Ditto Charlie Sheen for Two and a Half Men, which I think should be re-christened "Shit Shitty Shit Shit". But mostly, I'm just happy that Doris Fucking Roberts cannot win another award for that awful piece of shit show that was on for 9 seasons too many. Seriously, take another little piece of my heart now baby.

Next year, maybe the nominations will be better. One can always hope...

my first obsession

I know what you're thinking-- if I couldn't manage the upkeep of Popaholics Anonymous [wherein I attempted to blog about the Idol and various other television confections], how could I possibly manage to maintain a more regular site devoted to more daily goings-on? Well, allow me to explain...

Possibility and hope are two feelings that have an intoxicating power over me. I often feel a grand sense of possibility when I am out for a run, greeting the weekend, or even after completing a particularly satisfying evacuation of my bowels. Hope, however, brings with it the less-commonly acknowledged pandemic over-extension of my time, ability, and resources in trying to meet the exhilerating challenge of said newfound sense of possibility. Basically, exhaustion is the dirty mistress of both hope and possibility. I wanted too much out of Popaholics and it was so time-consuming that I just couldn't deliver. The solution? It's smaller, anecdotal fun on a [hopefully] daily basis. I'm even going to try to figure out how to use pictures. How exciting!

So it's true, I've decided to have another go at blogging-- because if someone as mindless as Perez Hilton can do it then, really, I can too.

Good day to you all!