Adventures in Babysitting!!

Breaking news: Raven Simone is a fat bitch.

Why, you may be asking? Well let me tell you why. In conjunction with everyone's favorite studio -- Disney, of course -- one Ms. Simone is set to star in a remake of one of the Greatest 80's Films Ever: Adventures in Freakin' Babysitting!

How could this even be happening!? I feel sick, confused, alone, bewildered, numb... bewildered.

Let's be real about this. For starters, the original AIB announced the arrival of a brilliant young auteur -- one Christopher Columbus -- to the scene of American cinema. His masterful reinterpretation of The Odyssey starring ingenue Elisabeth Shue [hertofore known primarily for her role as blonde hottie "Ali Mills" in the Karate Kid, but I digress] as a modern-day Odysseus transcended both genre and medium to become simply "art". Seriously. You show me a person who didn't watch back to back Adventures in Babysitting Saturdays on TBS and then wake up Sunday and watch it again on USA and I'll show you a moron idiot philistine. What's more is that, really, AIB paved the way for other monumental touchstones of cinema... like Home Alone, Mrs. Doubtfire, and Harry Potter. And Rent. That was a gem. Seriously though, all bitchery aside, why!?

Slightly tangential -- though still pertinent -- to this all, can I just say how much I LOVE that very first scene in Babysitting where "Chris" is getting ready for a night on the town with her boyfriend while dancing around to the Crystals' And Then He Kissed Me only to find out said boyfriend is a huge cad and is ditching her for the evening. It made me long for the day that I, too, would be doing that very same thing, less getting stood up and falling back on an evening of child services to keep me entertained. I also LOVE the part with the auto mechanic who may or may not actually be Thor, Norse God of Thunder who I prefer to believe actually IS Thor, Norse God of Thunder. And the part on the subway where she says "DON'T FUCK with the BABYSITTER!" God, I just love that. Seriously, why remake perfection?

Anyhow, I'll be sure to keep everyone abreast of the situation as new informations continues to roll in. Seriously, I could make so many puns about the size of Raven Fatmone's huge knockers or all her rolls of fat right now. But I won't. Because I'm classy like that.

Signing off. Good day to you all.