my daily obsession: September 2006

Friday, September 29, 2006

Delightful Camp Still Being Sponsored by the Golden Girls

I culled this photo from Teen People [of all places] after being directed to their site this morning by my darling friend Perez. The article that it accompanies is a pretty entertaining rip on Mischa Barton's predilection for kaftans and dressing gowns generally favored by grannies the world-over.

If you have time definitely check out the source article/photo series, otherwise just enjoy the bizarre sensation of pleasure this picture brings thanks to the magic of Photoshop.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Clay Signs Albums, Scrambles Eggs

I believe the reason Clay was able to dethrone J.Timberlake for the #1 spot on the Billboard charts is because this woman purchased half of the nearly 130k albums he sold.

Would you like those poached, fried, or fertilized, ma'am?

Where Are They Now: Saved By The Bell Edition

After Good Morning Miss Bliss and before the College Years, there were four seasons of unabashed cheese that have withstood the test of time to remain the most groundbreaking series ever to grace network television. That series is Saved By The Bell.

Saved By The Bell was [and remains to be] the cool kids' Degrassi, where the trite morals always take a back seat to Zach and Kelly's relationship drama and Lisa's fabulous clothes; it's a fantasyland where the popular kids actually say no to drugs and always do the right thing in the end. For these reasons and more, I've decided to honor the cast of the show that guided me through the formative teenage years of my life with an update of where they are now.

Elizabeth Berkley, A Career Retrospective:

My very favorie thing about my very favorite character, Jessie Myrtle Spano, is that her major drama on the show was either the fact that she was "too tall" or "too smart" for the other kids, and yet somehow Elizabeth Berkley always managed to convince me that being smart really was a debilitating hardship. It's my belief that the creative team behind the scenes recognized just how brightly her light shown and then came up with the episode "Jessie's Song" to showcase her ample gifts. Plus, the episode's message about addiction -- to caffeine pills, which everyone knows is the gateway pill to a dangerous obsession with illegal prescriptive medications -- being wrong and bad served as a noble public service announcement too.

I can only imagine that "Jessie's Song", in turn, served as a gateway performance for Elizabeth Berkley, leading her to much more contemporary fare.

Like this:

And this:

This too:

So where is Elizabeth Berkley now? IMDB tells me she's doing lots of guest work on television and I know that she does lots of theatre as well. It's fairly common knowledge that her career faltered after Bell when she took on the role of dancer Nomi Malone in Joe Eszterhas' visionary homage to MGM's great musicals of the 40's and 50's. Personally, I like to believe that it was not Showgirls that marked her career for termination but another film altogether. The film? First Wives Club.

Mark-Paul & Tiffani [Amber] Thiessen-Gosselaar, Together 4-Eva!

These two should only be discussed as a collective unit-- either as Zack and Kelly or, when absolutely necessary, as their alter-egos "Mark and Tiffani". They were my guiding light in all-things-relationship growing up, which I guess explains my fervent desire to get married in Vegas.

Aren't they adorable? I find their chemistry magical. In my mind they are meant for each other, you know, cosmically-- both in the world of the show and in real life. That's just how perfect they are together.

Mr. and Mrs. Kapowski-Morris now live in the hip new development, Bayside Heights, and are expecting their second child together in November.

Mario Lopez, Still A Himbo:

When last we caught up with Mario Ho-pez he was on Access Hollywood-- that is to say they were doing a story about him because he had just been convicted of date rape. Classy guy! I mean who would have ever guessed that sweet, hunky, dim-witted A.C. [Alfred Clifford] Slater would ever be reduced to slipping his poor unsuspecting date a roofie colada whilst dining at Chipotle just so he could show her his wrestling moves later? Surely she would at least give him a courtesy handjob as polite thanks for dinner before getting out of the car.

Since then, Mario has filled his schedule with a brief stint on Hollywood Squares, a gig hosting Pet Star, and a guest appearance on [the now derelict] UPN's Eve, among many other exciting things. However, circumstances are about to change as he is currently staging his triumphant comeback on ABC's beloved Dancing with the Stars, all with the help of his pro dance partner in chemistry and gossip, Hatchetface:

[There are literally a dozen ways I could go with jokes about how busted this girl's face is, but I've decided against petty mockery because it's not her fault she grew up near Chernobyl. Plus she and Mario did On Air With Ryan Seacrest this morning and she was actually very charming, despite how obnoxiously Mario was behaving. Kudos to her for being such a trooper!]

So honestly I've always found Mario Lopez a bit annoying, even back on Saved By The Bell [Team Zack all the way], but now that he's doing Ryan Seacrest every Wednesday [no pun intended] to promote himself and DWTS my level of annoyance has jumped from "slightly irked" to "if I could kill one person and get away with it, I'd choose Mario Lopez". He's the kind of guy who only plays at being kind and humble but is secretly obviously a toolbox-- only Mario is not so much a toolbox as he is Home Depot. In addition to the Stars, he also guested in a very soapy shower scene with Christian on Nip/Tuck this season. His body looked rockin', though I'm positive the gratuitous ass shots were of a finer-assed body double. I thought about posting some of the almost-lewd pics but decided against it because this is a wholesome family website and I'm above that.

Oh right, no I'm not.

Has Anyone Seen Lark Voorhies? I Think She Might Be Dead...

I always adored spunky Lisa Turtle's totally fly clothes on the Bell, and will forever remember how gracefully she handled having to share virtually every waking moment of screen time with Screech.

Regarding her life now, I did find a photo of her in some sort of Lifetime made-for-tv movie wherein an honest woman [likely a single working mother] is wrongfully convicted of murder [because it was self-defense] and sentenced to a hard-knock women's penitentiary where she's forced to fend off hungry dykes looking to make her their bitch while her lawyer [who's fallen madly in love with her] fights to clear her good name so that she can get her baby back and marry him in a happy wedding finale. At least that's what I'm assuming the movie is about because, the truth is, she looked like hell so I'm sparing her the indignity of posting picture from the movie's second act where she's all ugly in jail. Instead, let's all choose to immortalize Lark by remembering her as Lisa Turtle-- the classy, sassy, spoiled rich girl we all so longingly wish we could be. Lisa, you're an inspiration to us all.

If You Have A Weak Stomach You Should Just Skip This Part About Dustin Diamond. Seriously.

Who would have guessed that loveably geeky Samuel "Screech" Powers...

...would one day be reduced to shopping a three-way porn called Saved By The Smell, where the climactic money shot consists of Screech taking a dump on some girl's chest in the bathroom at The Max. Defamer has this delightful picture up, which they obtained from TMZ:

So -- yeah -- just let that gestate for a little while...

First it was Celebrity Boxing on Fox, then it was hocking t-shirts on the net to save his house, and now Dustin has finally been reduced to making poorly-lit homemade sex tapes. This has simultaneously destroyed my childhood and achieved the staggering feat of making Liz Berkley's infamous star-making turn at The Cheetah and in Goddess and in the pool with Kyle MacLachlan look like Schindler's fucking List.

The Happy Ending?

Growing up, whenever I was having a tough time, I'd just turn on the tv and Zach and the gang would be there to cheer me up and show me the path to righteousness. They taught me what it meant to be cool, and for that I will always love them-- sex tapes, Showgirls, Fastlane, et al. Stay tuned 'til next week when we'll check in to see what's what with Mr. Belding, Moose, Tori Scott, and Stacey Carosi.

Good day and Godspeed, friend.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

N - A - S - T - Y!

CASH REWARD

$10,000 for any information leading to the return of Janet Jackson's neck.

Scissor Sisters: The Cruelest Cut of All

The new Scissor Sisters' album arrived in stores today and, rather than eat, I decided to use my lunch break to obtain sustenance of an alternate variety: the Jake Shears variey!

However, it would appear that not everyone is as eager to say Ta-Dah; overpriced retailer FYE is saying ta-don't. Below is, pretty much, the entire article -- I promise it's a very quick read -- which can be found on both VH1 and MTV's sites:

The Scissor Sisters' Ta-Dah is curretly the top album in the U.K., having sold more than 288,000 copies its first week of release...

Yet in the U.S., the album — which was released here Tuesday (September 26) — is not being carried in nearly 1,100 record stores in 26 states, all because of a single comment Sisters frontman Jake Shears made at a retail convention in Kissimmee, Florida, last month.
"I complained at the NARM [the National Association of Recording Merchandisers] convention that [For Your Entertainment's] record prices were too high," Shears told MTV News over the weekend at Baltimore's Virgin Festival. "A few months ago, I went to go buy the new Raconteurs album, and it was like $18.99. Of course, I rounded it up to $20 when I made the comments, and now they're denying it. They said, 'Our records are not $20, they're $19.99.' And so now they're not carrying our new record. I mean, even Wal-Mart is carrying it, but FYE is not."

But Shears is only partially accurate, because FYE isn't the only chain that won't be carrying the New York band's Ta-Dah — neither will Sam Goody, Strawberries, Wherehouse, Specs or Coconuts. Like FYE, those chains are owned by Trans World Entertainment, an Albany, New York, entertainment conglomerate that is one of the largest retailers of music, video and video games in the U.S.

According to Trans World President and CEO Jim Litwak, his company was just expressing its displeasure at Shears' comments, which he said were untrue and unfair...

"Mr. Shears said that he tried to buy a Raconteurs album but didn't because it was too expensive," Litwak told MTV News. "But he didn't bring it up to register, because if he did, he would've seen that the CD was on sale.

"So Mr. Shears made an incorrect statement at a convention instead of reaching out to us, to discuss our pricing," Litwak continued. "We decided that it would've been nice to get an apology from them, so we reached out to their distribution company [Universal Music Group Distribution] to let them know we were displeased, and we never heard back from them. So we made the decision not to carry the band's new release."

"Our hands are up in the air, and there's no rhyme or reason in this country when it comes to music," Shears sighed. "And this gives you an idea of the iron curtain that's really going on. We've sort of just decided to work really hard and see what happens."

What I'm left wondering in the wake of this article is this: Jim Litwak's a fifteen year old girl, right? Because that is one juvenille retaliation stunt! I'm thinking that rather than boycott Trans World Entertainment we should just write "Jim is a fat bi-otch" all over the tables in the cafeteria so that everyday at lunch when he sits down to enjoy his goulash and canned peas he'll be reduced to a simpering mess of runny mascara whilst everyone points and laughs at him, thereby forcing him to flee to the handicapped stall in the girl's bathroom where he'll spend the rejoinder of his day promising to "make them all pay". That's equally sophmoric, no?

I'd also like to inform everyone that the new album is so hott it made me hard, and it's basically implied that everyone should go buy themselves a copy.

It would be imprudent of me, however, if I didn't remind us all of the moral of today's cautionary tale before we part ways: the joke is on us for so foolishly neglecting to reach out to FYE to discuss their absurd pricing system-- because if we had reached out to them, we would've discovered that everything in the store is secretly on sale. No, seriously, it is.

Good day and Godspeed, friend.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Work It Out for Africa, Kate!

To know me is to know my love of Kate Moss. She is fabulous, and completely deserving of her recent career comeback despite the shitstorm of her oft-publicized daliances in the snow. No stranger to courting controversy, she is making headlines again in Europe-- but this time for a different reason alltogether:

I have to say I love this portrait of her and I LOVE that it's for the AIDS Awareness movement of which, if nothing else, we should all be aware. And on that note, I'd like to encourage everyone to stop by the website for ONE. Educating yourself is the first step in taking action!

Good day and Godspeed, my friend!

Trannies Gone Wild!

I meant to post this still from Fergie's TRL performance last week but forgot. My sincerest apologies for keeping this joy out of your lives:

Voice Over, Interior Monologue of Stacy Ferguson:
I am so totally BITCH TITS right now! That's RIGHT I'm BRINGING bitch tits BACK! Eat THAT Justin! You just got served by The ONE and ONLY Dutchess!! I am completely BRILLIANT and look AMAZING in this argyle mini-cardigan with ADORABLE matching tie. You LOVE ME, TRL, you really, REALLY love me! Now go vote for my video!! I MEAN it, GO VOTE NOW because I used to date Mario Lopez when we were on Kids Incorporated together when I was 10 but he was a TOTAL PLAYER and THEN I started doing crystal meth but I bounced BACK from it all and NOW I am completely BITCH TITS! You will BOW to the DUTCHESS!

So I'm not a Fergie hater or anything, but she's pretty much a full on trainwreck. Plus, even without the whole bra flashing, the shirt alone is heinous. Maybe she'll use some of the profits from the downing of her London Bridge to hire a stylist? I'm just putting that idea out in the universe, do what you will with it, Ferg.

Weekend Box Office: Jackass Number Two is Number One, Sean Penn Is Not

Continuing the downward spiral of the last couple weeks, this weekend's anemic box office take marked the third in a row to see a dip from last year's performance.

#1
Jackass Number Two, $28.1 million

Raking in $28.1 during its first weekend in release, Jackass Number Two has prompted the sudden greenlighting of numerous reality spin-offs from small to silver screen. At press time, no release date had been set on the Newlyweds: We Were Only Kidding About That Whole Divorce Thing! film, but Joe Simpson remains adamant that pre-production is scheduled to begin just as soon as Vanessa Minillo is brutally murdered by a pricy hitman due to a hilarious case of mistaken identity.

#2
Jet Li's Fearless, $10.1 million

While this was originally being touted as Li's retirement from the whole Martial Arts genre, it's now being reported that it is merely his last Kung Fu flick, leaving the door wide open for the oft-discussed CHAN VS. LI teaming which seems to be mired in development hell due to the seemingly endless barrage of setbacks on the soon-to-be-classic Rush Hour Three.

#3
Gridiron Gang, $9.7 million

Apparently people can't get enough of The Rock. I know I can't. Seriously. In its second week of release, the film has managed to bring in $27.2 million overall, which is pretty great considering the man's career sprouted from the World Wrestling Federation. Rock on, Dwayne! [I know, and I couldn't resist.]

#4
Flyboys, $6 million

Nobody saw this film when it was released last year as Annapolis, so I have no idea why MGM decided to pony up the cash to repackage and distribute it with a new title. Do yourself a favor and just catch an equally satisfying 17 minutes of Top Gun on USA one fine Saturday afternoon while you're getting ready to go to the mall.

#5
Everyone's Hero, $4.75 million

I neither know nor care what this film is even about and, judging from its receipts to date, the rest of America concurs.

#6
The Black Dahlia, $4.4 million

I wanted to do a posting last week about this film specifically-- not to tell people how good it was, but rather to warn them to stay away from this life-sucking crapfest. The one good thing about the movie is the poster which, frankly, I only like in as much as it pays homage to Six Feet Under. Otherwise, good script? Nope. Good actors making awful choices? In abundance. Hyper-stylized noir-ish cinematography? Yes, and poorly executed at that. Bad direction to marry the aforementioned elements? Absolutely! The only way I'd recommend this is if you were having problems sleeping. Though even that is sort of a cautionary suggestion at best because, on the chance that you didn't nod off, this film would probably plague your nightmares until the end of time.

#7
All The King's Men, $3.8 million

Can't you just imagine the conversation Sean Penn will soon be having with his agent, wherein he'll inquire as to why he wasn't shown a script for Jackass Number Two, which was better reviewed by the NY Times and Variety than his dismal remake?

#8
The Covenant, $3.3 million

I saw this movie twice during its opening weekend because it's just that mind-blowingly AWESOME. After Renny Harlin first blew my mind with genetically altered GENIUS SHARKS in Deep Blue Sea, he decides to give me the gift of beautiful model-esque he-witches, both in SPEEDOS by the POOL and NAKED in the SHOWER. It didn't even need a plot. Which is good, because it didn't have one. Or maybe it did and I just can't remember because of all the magic...

#9
The Illusionist, $3.28 million

Despite some undeniably beautiful cinematography, this film basically functions as one giant debateably-clever metaphor for an illusion. It's pretty gimmicky, but works well because of the subject matter. That said, it was incredibly slow and, ultimately, I still didn't like it.

#10
Little Miss Sunshine, $2.9 million

Fucking BRILLIANT! I laughed, I cried, and I saw it twice. If you haven't already seen this movie, do yourself a favor and go now. I will be truly shocked if this doesn't garner some nominations come awards season.

Anyhow, Happy Monday, y'all!

Friday, September 22, 2006

Case of the Ex: Mya Gives Good Quote

In an online-exclusive interview with VIBE that's been floating around cyberland for the past week, Mya gave some delightul dish that was simply too good to pass up. Enjoy!

VIBE: In the past you have been linked to artists like 50 Cent. Any comments?

Mya: Yes: it’s not true. 50 and I never dated, never cuddled, never did anything, period, despite what he chooses to believe in his own mind. I don’t know how he would get Lloyd Banks confused with me.

Oh, SNAP! Maybe I will buy Liberation [her upcoming fourth studio effort] after all!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

America's Next Tyra Montage: Mad Weave Edition

The boys, girls, and trannies of Top Model are back and, thanks in part to the new CW, even more low-budge than ever! Gone forever are the Elysian Fields wherein the Lucky Bitch Who Wins gets to frolick whilst world-renowned photog Giles Bensimon sweetly coaxes her to doff her Miss Sixty halter for a series of "outtakes" that will only be made available on ElleGirrrl.com and to her new Uber-Agent at Ford. In is the new regime, replete with six-page[!] editorial spread for Seventeen and contracted representation [pun intended] from filthy second-tier agency, Elite.

In my version of events, I imagine a scenario in which Tyra was brought in for a lunch meeting at Ford, only to be ambushed upon entering a mock-boardroom wherein she was told by an icy executive, "Thirteen ladies remain, but I only have twelve photos in my hand representing the twelve beautiful women who will continue on in hopes of becoming Ford's Next Top High Maintenance Client. The girl whose name I do not call must immediately proceed to the freight elevator, where she will be escorted by an armed security gaurd out the back entrance and into a Chevy Astro that will whisk her away to Elite Model Management and subsequent obscurity." Then said executive showed Tyra, as she waited with baited breath, a dozen different photos of Naomi Campbell who, in a surprising twist of events, leapt out from behind a plastic tree and threw a Blackberry at Tyra's giant 80's weave shrieking "I hate you, fat bitch!" Good, right?

Anyhow, let's meet the girls and post-ops of Cycle Seven!

[WARNING! The following photos are EXTREMELY CONTROVERSIAL! The "Model Stereotypes" shoot is the MOST OUTRAGEOUS to ever be attampted on ANTM! Please, this isn't for the faint of heart and shouldn't be tried at home!]

Allow me to present Caridee:

Or as I will be calling her, Joanie Deux Point O!

Meet the twins, Amanda and Michelle:

[Or Michelle and Amanda...]

Honestly, I neither know nor care which is what. But I love them both for their "so wrong they're right" good looks.

Here's Anchal:

Anchal is more symbolic than anything else. She represents Tyra's insisted foray into ethnic diversity to prove that women of every color are beautiful even though mainstream modeling only sees in black and white and recently sometimes yellow. Despite the futility of her tenure on the show, I find her GORGEOUS.

This is Brooke:

Brooke is this cycle's plucky blonde small-town gal with a big heart and even bigger dreams. This is not a good shot of her and I'm hoping she'll improve, which is inevitable really, because it's not possible to have a worse picture taken.

Here's Megan:

She's this cycle's androgynous beauty. Like Cycle Five's Kim, only less dykey. Did you know that when she was little she and her mother were in a plane crash? It's true! Her mother saved her from dying of hypothermia just like the thing in Star Wars saves Luke Skywalker [even though it didn't so much have a choice]. Isn't that cool? It just makes me like her even more.

And who could forget our good friend, Ru?

RuPaul look-alike Jaeda is our Cycle Seven Tranny. There's always one and, unfortunately for we the viewers, Miss Thang decided not to pluck Jaslene "everyday is a fashion opportunity" from the barrios of the casting special. Jaeda reminds me of Coryn, but only insomuch as they both look like men...

This evil whore is Monique:

And for the record, her personality is as heinous as her body is rockin'.

Voila! Boring faux rocker chick Megg:

I'm over her and her stupid two g's already. Yawn.

Allow me to introduce Eugena:

I can think of a half-dozen people just off the top of my head who would kill to have legs that looked that flawless-- myself included. Work.

This old queen's Melrose:

If I were being polite I'd say "the bloom has gone off her rose." If I were being honest I'd admit I feel old just looking at her; she's tired, and will soon be seen hobbling away with her very own walker, complete with tennis balls on the legs.

This girl is EXTERMINATED:

Tyra stayed true to form and axed one of the younger, more beautiful hopefuls early on. This is a trend with her, and I suspect that when they'd wrapped shooting for the episode, Tyra invited her to dinner and ate poor unsuspecting Christian's soul.

Finally, meet our diamond in the rough, AJ:

She's simply DIVINE.

So, there you have it, kids. The thirteen-turned-twelve would-be Divas of America's Next Top Model, Cycle Seven. At least five of them totally bore me, so I'm sorry if their lameness caused any diminished level of whimsy in my post and caused anyone to nod off.

Good day and Godspeed.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Every Other Week of the Year is Officially Dead to Me: the Fabulous Life of New York Fashion Week

It's true, maintaining a daily blog is apparently not my forte. It's also true that I don't know how to add the accent over the 'e' in forte. So much for that Computer Skills course I had to take in eighth grade...

In any case, I'm back with a vengeance today; a vengeance called Fall Fashion Week '06. For all the plebes out there lacking the sartorial urge to indulge as completely in an event so utterly delightful, allow me to recap my top ten favorite highlights thus far:

[1]

Feast your eyes on this tasty Proenza Schouler number:

As one of my dear friends would most certainly say:

"Oh honey..."

[2]

And now an actual look from the PS collection:

It's simply DIVINE, like, in a total Joan-Collins-as-Alexis-Carrington-in-Dynasty-less-the-too-dramatic-shoulder-pads sort of way. Now if only her hair had been crimped, then we'd be in business.

But seriously, Proenza Schouler has been catching a LOT of flack for this collection. Every scrupulous editor from NY to London has been saying the same two words: Herve Leger [the accents are implied, okay?]. For those of you who aren't up with the designers of days gone by, Herve Leger was a major fixture of the Eighties. So on top of the imitation Herve, people are saying the tube dresses and skirts [like the one above] are too tight, too constricting. Personally I enjoyed the collection, but mostly in a stage-y costume sort of way. I just can't help that I wish more people dressed like they were in Dynasty-- at least there would be more glamor!

[3]

The gowns of Oscar De La Renta:

It would be a lie if I didn't begin by admitting my first thought during the De LA Renta Show was:

"HAIR!?! Sweet Jesus! What in GOD'S name is WRONG with their HAIR!?"

Because EVERY model coming down the runway looked like she'd only just finished with a figurative "roll in the hay".

The sensationally styled coifs -- at which I recoiled in sheer terror -- seem to be offering up a motif of wind tunnels, Aquanet, and John F. Kennedy Junior High's 1988 themed Dinner Dance "An Evening Under the Stars". Yet despite the hairy [it was too good to resist] misstep, Oscar -- who happens to be the nom de choix of conservatives the world-wide -- offers a perfect skewering of some of the season's most predominant trends: floral prints, bubble silhouettes/plays on volume, tiers/layers, and lace. On top of that, the collection has been widely well-received as one of his most elegant to-date. Ann Coulter, eat your heart out!

[4]

Mischa Barton in an as-yet unidentifiable shirt dress at the Marc Jacobs After-Party:

Now I know that Mischa is generally reviled on gossip sites across the universe, but I LOVE this dress. Would it look better on a girl with more meat? Absolutely. Would it look better on me? There's a strong possibility. But shirt dresses are in, ditto metallics. For me, this silver dress is a gold medal win. And yes, I'll gladly accept a nice glass of Red Zin with that.

[5]

The HOTT blonde models of Caroline Herrera:

Caroline's latest collection is being lauded by some critics as a departure from her [generally] more severe signature look. I don't absolutely adore it, but I don't hate it either. There were a few lovely pieces.

However, her models -- though eerily "Master Race" -- are stunning. Simply to die for.

[6]

Marc Jacobs: Trendsetting or Tacky-ing Up the Runway? You be the judge:

Layers? Check.

Metallics? Rockin it hardcore.

Bubble silhouette? Much to my great chagrin...

Super-Hero-Chic? Wait-- what...!? Just add thigh-high boots and a whip and this broad is good to go.

Hammer Pants? Hammertime! DON'T touch this. EVER.

Though highly conceptual, I find the entire Marc Jacobs collection very fashion forward and am of the mind that he remains one of the great Icons of Fashion. Plus, from a designer who tends to work with extremely bold colors, the creme and gray-tones are a very nice touch. Bravo, Marc!

[7]

Grillz and leaves on the Baby Phat models:

Not only were there grillz on half the models, but the Baby Phat headgear of choice were these super-costumey leaves which made NO sense at ALL considering the fact that this is a READY TO WEAR line. Are you READY TO WEAR leaves on your head? Is anyone? That's what I thought.

Plus, can someone please explain to me how these girls are supposed to turn any tricks with various bits of shrubbery lodged in their hair?

I can just imagine the conversation that happened during the brainstorm for this line:

Kimmora Lee Simmons: What are we doing about hats this year?

Design Team: Hats?

KLS: Yeah, hats. I was thinking something retro, like trucker hats!

DT: Trucker hats?

KLS: Yeah! Wouldn't that be, like, SO retro!?

DT: You know, it actually looks like we don't have the budget to hire a milliner this year.

KLS: What about a hat maker?

DT: ...

KLS: Well, what DO we have the money for?

DT: Something inexpensive.

KLS: OH! I know-- LEAVES! We'll make HATS out of LEAVES! Leaves are FREE if you get them from TREES! GOD I am SUCH a PIONEER!

DT: Are you high?

KLS: Yes! LEAVES! Make it happen. Now LEAF me alone! Hahaha, I am SO FUNNY!

Kimmora Lee Simmons should be hunted down and killed -- or at the very least maimed -- for inflicting these atrocitities upon the world. This collection was a TOTAL CRIME against humanity. And no, I am NOT KIDDING even a LITTLE.

[8]

DKNY- in living color!

Oh my God! Donna? Is that really you?

I didn't know your palate extended beyond black and beige!

Let me also state for the record that my mention of DKNY should in no way be construed as an endorsement of Donna Karan's taste level which, though I'm sure is rooted in all the best intentions, has been ever-so-wayward as of late. The dresses are fine. Nothing more, nothing less. But the hats? Really Donna? Maybe Dodgers' Stadium, but definitely NOT Bryant Park. They almost make me want the Baby Phat show back.

[9]

The Look of Diane Von Furstenberg, Fashion Goddess and Shining Beacon of Hope:

The DVF Wrap Dress. Truly iconic.

LOVE the hott pink lips!

The print! The pockets!

Just as grand in green!

Again, adorable.

If Rachel Zoe has her way, I imagine this is what we'll see splashed across the pages of US, Star, and People on every socialite-cum-celebrity from Beverly Hills to Malibu-- and for once, I wouldn't mind.

The color screams Big Bird, and yet I still love it. How do you do this magic, Diane?

So fresh! So Flirty!

Now, as a few folks may know, I was not-so-gainfully employed by Bloomingdale's for a couple months, wherein I worked as the Diane Von Furstenberg ~~Slave~~ Specialist. Does this make me impartial? No! Though the clothes were stellar, the money was... not. DVF is truly a fashion house with which to be reckoned, and Diane is, in my humble opinion, a goddess, and fashion's continued shining beacon of hope. Some say her latest collection is looking too hard please, but when you're that good with cut, print, and color I think it's good that you can please the masses. This is by far my favorite collection of the week so far.

[10]

Perry Ellis endows a new movement in men's shorts:

Wow. Less IS more.

Good day and Godspeed, my friend.

[And PLEASE, go check out New York Magazine's Fashion Week Live for more photos, reviews, and awesomeness. Theirs is the site from whence the photos came!]

my daily obsession