my daily obsession

32isthenew25.com

2006-12-08T10:52:00.000-08:00

I can't even remember the last time I read news this exciting:

According to Beyonce -- and thanks to [perhaps dubious, but who am I to judge or care?] hard evidence obtained by Media Take Out -- 32 is the new 25!

Apparently someone from the Texas Department of Health faxed a copy of Miss B's official birth certificate to the gossip site which, if the document is accurate, indicates that Beyonce is actually-- well, she's just OLD. 32 to be precise!

[Is that big enough to read? I'm thinking not, so you should probably just check their site.]

So even though Beyonce has [potentially] been revealed as a [potential] bearer of false witness, the good news -- or at least what I'm spinning as good news -- is that if Beyonce is 25, I'm... 17! [Why is math so hard?!] I'm 17! I'm 17! Gosh-- I can't wait to buy porn and vote! This is the best day ever!

Good day and Godspeed, youngin'!

Serious Hottness!!

2006-12-06T17:14:00.000-08:00

It's been ages -- quite literally, and for that I am truly sorry -- since I've even had a spare moment to update my blog. However, that all changes now, because Christmakwanzakah came early this year. And so did I.

Today's obsession is fantasy made flesh in the form of exquisite French figure skater turned husband-of-my-dreams, Brian Joubert. The man can do three quads in one routine, so my infatuation and enthusiam are totally justifiable-- and what's even better is that it's all in a completely acceptable, sportslike "isn't his athleticism positively fascinating" sort of way. Anyhow, the clip is utterly ridiculous, and yet somehow ridiculously hott, all at the same time. Behold him in all his glory:

I hope you enjoy this tasty tid-bit. I know I will be... for the rest of my life. Especially when we get married. So back off! He's mine, okay!?

Good day and Godspeed, fellow purveyors of figure skating!

Cheese Curds, Indentured Servants, Possibly Just 75 Cents in Wisconsin If You're Feeling Lucky

2006-10-25T13:22:00.000-07:00

ANTIGO, Wisconsin-- Three-year-old Robert Moore, while under the watchful eye of his grandmother, got stuck in a vending machine at the local mall last Saturday, attempting to win a SpongeBob Squarepants stuffed toy. According to his "Oma", the child was delighted:

"He was having a ball in there, hugging all the stuffed animals," [grandmother] Fredricka Bierdemann said. "He was so good-natured, but I was shaking like a leaf."

...at least that's what the Master of Spin, Freddi-B [as she's known on the black market], is trying to sell, because the photo tells an entirely different story-- the true story-- of human trafficking:

It is my sincere belief, based on the above scientific photographical evidence, that little Robert escaped to said vending machine to protest, metaphorically speaking, his slave-driving "Oma's" cheap sales of children into lives of indentured servitude. Just one look into this brave child's eyes bears his haunting plea of "let my people go". Unfortunately for him and his misbegotten band of vagrant siblings, his petit coup d'etat was tragically ended by Fredricka's co-conspirators and fellow child-haters at the Antigo Fire Department. As punishment for his inspired act of civil disobedience, one can surely expect that poor sweet Robert has already been bartered to a small island-nation, exchanged for a burlap sack filled with coconuts, various odd tropical birds, and a shrunken head.

Let us all bow our heads and observe a moment of silence for visionary activist, Roger Moore -- if that was even his name -- for he will be missed, dearly.

Good day and Godspeed, my fellow freedom fighters.

***
Link to the AP article by clicking on the photo!

Paris Hilton, Desecrator of Teddy Bears

2006-10-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

An epic love for the ages:

Oh wait. Remember when these two were dating? I know-- I cried when their publicists issued the news of their break-up, too. And then immediately forgot all about them... until now!

Nick Carter -- currently of E's smash-hit new series House of Carters [I kid, I kid, it's really a piece of shit]

-- recently made another grab for his sixteenth minute of fame by speaking candidly on record about Paris. Carter says:

"She relied heavily on drugs and drink to give her confidence in the bedroom and was more often than not too wasted to even perform. I lost count of the nights I had to pick her off the floor and drag her to bed passed out. If she was going overseas she'd cut a hole in her teddy and stuff it with cannabis. She had to have her own private stash with her at all times regardless of the consequences."

I'm not sure what surprises me more: that Nick Carter is smart enough to have a vocabulary including the word "cannabis" [highly suspect], or that Paris Hilton is smart enough to A) wield a sharp object without maiming herself in the process, and B) use said object to cut open a stuffed animal without maiming herself in the process [maybe she has the help do it?]. Plus, I don't see why Carter had any complaints at all-- what did he care if she was passed out, he could've done whatever position he wanted then and wouldn't have to waste any time telling her how pretty she was. If nothing else though, Carter's statement flies in the face of one Elliot Mintz who, earlier this month, tried to explain away a mystery bag of "potpourri" in his beloved cash cow/client's purse as nothing more than tobacco. Or as I like to call it, wacky tabacky.

"I just want to get something clear with you. Paris Hilton rolled her own tobacco cigarette. It was tobacco that you saw."

[Elliot Mintz should really consider a career in acting; it's miraculous that he can keep a straight face while attempting to spin the media such a ridiculous story. Seriously, Maryl Streep would be proud.]

Again, I'm not sure what surprises me more: the suggestion that A) Paris is smart enough to roll her own cigarette, or B) Paris is smart enough to use a lighter and/or matches without setting herself on fire [I'm just saying]. Plus, personally, I don't have such a hard time accepting allegations that Paris enjoys an altered state of being, because it certainly explains away this whole atrocity:

Although it does not, by any means, justify the wholesale slaughter of countless Teddy Ruxpins in the pursuit of international drug trafficking. Say it with me people; Paris Hilton must be stopped!

Good day and Godspeed, fellow junkies.

Homosaywhat?!

2006-10-20T15:42:00.000-07:00

The hellfire and brimstone that have been swirling around the explosive altercation on the set of Grey's Anatomy -- as first reported by famed bastion of media integrity the National Enquirer and independently confirmed by Pulitzer winning journalists Rush & Molloy -- came to a head yesterday when T.R. Knight confirmed to People.com that he does, indeed, enjoy both the giving and receiving of felatio. At the same time.

In case you're not familiar with the events, I'll break them down for you. It all started with this exchange of words:

"What are we waiting on?" said Isaiah.
"Not me," said Patrick. "I'm always ready."

"At that point," said the source, "Isaiah said something mean to T.R. Knight" (who plays mild-mannered Dr. George O'Malley).

"That's when Patrick told Isaiah, 'Pick on somebody your own size.'"

[Yay, McDreamy! What a stud!]

But then, basically, Burke decided it was time to choke a bitch, grabbed McDreamy by the throat, and shoved him into a wall. Controversy ensued, publicists made statements, everything was made right in the world... Or was it!?

[Boo! Bad Burke!]

The Enquirer -- fearing that everything had appropriately died down -- sent out an inflamatory email blast this week clearing up the nature of what was said to/about T.R.:

"A heated discussion quickly escalated to violence when Isaiah snapped, revealed an eyewitness. At one point, Isaiah yelled, "I'm not your little faggot like (name deleted)," according to the source. Those who heard him were stunned.

Because of the extreme nature of the slur, The ENQUIRER is withholding the name of the co-star targeted by Washington."

Ummmm... yeah. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out that the two Enquirer pieces are reflexive? Nice literary work, geniuses.

Of course, not to be out done, T.R. Knight sashayed over to People.com to issue a [typically] dramatic [read: gay] statement addressing the now mounting rumors about his sexuality:

"I guess there have been a few questions about my sexuality, and I'd like to quiet any unnecessary rumors that may be out there. While I prefer to keep my personal life private, I hope the fact I'm gay isn't the most interesting part of me."

While I certainly applaud T.R.'s forthwright honesty and sympathize his feelings about his orientation, I have to wonder if he isn't grateful on some level for the catty outing he received on behalf of the Enquirer? It was probably getting difficult to capitalize on his fame when most gay men neither knew now cared that intern George wasn't actually into Meredith at all, and that the reason she was so thoroughly shaken by their sexual encounter is because he so insistantly pestered her for a five-fingered rectal exam which she agreed to, albeit reluctantly, until a tub of Cricso was produced, thereby reducing her to sobbing hysterics. At least now some sort of moderately attractive fame-seeking whoremonger will agree to pity-fuck him on a regular basis in exchange for some brief tabloid exposure. Well played T.R. -- when the Enquirer gives you a national outing, you parlay it into sex -- this round goes to you!

Good day and Godspeed, fellow patients of Seattle Grace.

***
PS- Sorry for the lack of block-quoting during this outing [so to speak]; they were surprisingly not cooperating.

A Public Service Announcement: Diddy Didn't

2006-10-19T17:30:00.000-07:00

Hey all, I just wanted to do everyone the kind service of warning people away from Diddy's new album Push Play. Why, you may be asking? Because it blows-- not in the good way, but in the way with teeth, or braces, or both.

You may also be asking what possessed me to purchase it at all? Well, I thought it would be good times because it boasts production by Timbaland, Kanye, Scott Storch, and Will.i.am; plus the guests include Christina, Ciara, Big Boi, Twista, Nas, Cee-lo, Brandy, and Mary J.-- among others. I was so disappointed to be proven so wrong though, because this album lacks catchy hooks, good beats, and, more than anything, good rapping. Perhaps the Cristal impaired everyone's judgement-- I don't know, and it's not for me to say. It has now become my civic duty, though, to tell the world that Diddy's latest disc is simply a bloated work of ego that should be avoided at all costs-- it would have been more aptly titled This Album is a Big Piece of Shit.

Good day and Godspeed, brave soldiers of hip hop.

Uli and Laura Were Robbed!!

2006-10-19T16:26:00.000-07:00

Never in the worst of all possible nightmare scenarios would I have fathomed that the wretched Jeffrey Sebelia would be chosen as the winner of Project Runway.

[We should have been so lucky as to have Jeffrey actually shut his fucking mouth for a hot minute-- this photo is just cruel and unusual punishment.]

Seriously though, what a douche-y ballsack. I just can't stand the fact that he won! However, that being said, I will admit that I was unfairly critical in my criticism of his collection and how heavily he borrowed from Betsey Johnson's new line. Unfair to Anna Sui, that is; Jeffrey is apparently an equal-opportunity plagarist, seeing as how he pillaged both the spirit of Betsey and Anna. I was foolish to have missed it before. Behold, Jeffrey's swimsuit:

And now have a look at one by Betsey:

Are they exact replicas? No they are not-- but my point is that the attitude is very much the same -- retro-rocker chic -- which is why I just don't see Jeffrey as the next great visionary of American fashion. I've seen what he does done before and done better, and I'll see it done again. Uli and Laura may have been "too much of what they do best", but at least what they do best is make wearable clothing with distinct perspectives that for me, personally, have much more interesting points of view. I love the glamour and escapism that Laura offers, and I love her assertion that we all could take more time to be fabulous. I love that Uli is all about life and fun, and that her work really embodies those ideas. Basically, Jeffrey may be "more innovative" and might make some people want some of his clothes, but where Laura and Uli surpass him is in making you crave the lifestyle that goes with their clothes. Which is why, even though they didn't win, they're still the champs to me.

Good day and Godspeed, my fellow brethren of the Runway.

***
Photos cribbed, as always, from nymag.com-- although one is from Bravo.com today, too!

WEDNESDAY NIGHT RAW: PROJECT RUNWAY SMACKDOWN

2006-10-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

Far and away the most polarizing batch of Project Runway yet, season three has delivered all the goods with multiple crazies [Bradley! Vincent! Angela!], a first-ever shocking dismissal from the show [Keith!], and more than enough homos to cast an all-gay remake of Dallas called Chelsea -- or Phallus as the cast and crew will take to calling it on set -- starring Tim Gunn as the beloved patriach of a dysfunctional family of charmeuse tycoons living in Manhattan [Hello Kayne, Keith, Robert, Malan, Laura, and probably Michael Knight!]. What, with Jeffrey making Angela's mother cry, Alison's undeserved premature auf-ing, and Vincent's perpetual state of arousal, there was nary a dull moment. Though their collections have been online courtesy New York Magazine for over a month, I had previously refrained from posting anything about them out of respect for those who enjoy the elements of suspense and surprise the show employs. However, since the grand finale is tonight, I've decided it's now okay to do a posting about the Final Four and how well they fared at Fashion Week in Bryant Park. Let's begin...

Michael Knight, America's Sweetheart

Taking this year's "SERIOUSLY-- what the fug were you even THINKING" award, Michael fell in the vein of Daniel V. from last season; brilliant and promising while under the pressure and restrictions of the challenges, but unfocused and too-ambitious in the execution of his collection. Here's his final look:

Arguably, it's his strongest piece as well. The whole collection is very Baby Phat cumGucci by way of Bebe as reimagined by the design team over at Forever 21-- though this print is sort of garish in the way you typically expect from Versace. I really do like Michael, and am glad that he at least won the title of "fan favorite" during the reunion episode. Because he's got about a snowball's chance in hell of winning this season. A poorly-designed, ill-fitting snowball's chance in hell, that is.

Ulrike Herzner, Living the American Dream

I just adore Uli and her quaint foreigner's ever-so-slightly-skewed grasp of the English language. I also love that Heidi gets all a-twitter around her and begins jabbering away in German whenever she sees her. Plus Uli's pretty, but in a delightfully quirky sort of way! Her collection, in turn, suited her well; very fresh, very now, and all the while true to her aesthetic. The final look is one of her signature flowy printed-dresses, and though it isn't her most inspired work it's lovely all the same:

The other thing I like so much about Uli is that she made no qualms about bitch-jacking Michael's model Nazri right out from under him at the first available opportunity, and then later confessed to the camera, "It's a competition. You have to do whatever you need to do to make your presentation the best on the runway." Her attitude, experience, and playful sense of style make her varied-yet-cohesive collection a strong contender for the win.

Jeffrey Sebelia, The Mouthiest Neck Ever

Jeffrey, for me, is one of the most interesting contestants ever to grace the fair Runway. It's fascinating that the producers seem to be torn-- alternately wanting him to be this season's major antagonistic asshole, yet painstakingly attempting to humanize him at every available opportunity should he in fact win the competition and they need to paint him as the scrappy underdog. Now add the recently revealed accusations of foul play, top them off with that God-awful neck tattoo, and you have got yourself one hott mess. Which is why I understand the concerns being raised about the peculiarity of his incredibly polished collection; he's been all deconstruction and layers thus far on the show, and then shows up at fashion week all clean and pared down. Note the final look:

It's just so very Betsey Johnson Spring 2007-- that's my major problem. Seriously, follow the link and you'll see the similarities beteween the collections. Plus, I think this dress does the highly difficult job of making an emaciated girl look fat-- and while the skinny model may be grateful for her healthy new look, the fact that I cringe at the thought of this dress on women sizes 4 and up is probably not ideal. So well he may be a great reality personality, I honestly don't find Jeffrey very original or engaging as a designer, so it'll be a shame if the judges somehow stumble into a black hole and he wins.

Laura Bennett, Producer of Children and Fine Garments

Love her. Love everything about her. She's just pure sophistication and glamour. All class all the way. Her collection, too, is a great reflection of her talent. Behold her final look:

Her whole collection has splashes of the tasteful stylings of de la Renta's gowns, a dramatic flair of vintage Yves St. Laurent, and even a touch of Runway Divo-Judge Michael Kors' Spring '07 line. I imagine they'll probably tell her it was too-grown up, or too-much evening wear, or both, but I really find her collection the most tasteful and strong.

We'll find out this evening what we've all been hotly anticipating for months now; who will be America's next great fashion designer. I'm just so excited I could pee!

See you tomorrow, when we'll discuss the hopefully-joyous results!

Good day and Godspeed, friend!

***

All photos cribbed from the indelible nymag.com! There's also a link embedded in the first picture to a great Project Runway article!

Deep Thoughts on Friday

2006-10-06T10:34:00.000-07:00

No, no it's not-- that's why the word "lazy" is so often bandied about when one is calling someone a whore. Because whores are lazy. It's in their nature. Think about it. Or ask your mom.

Good day and Godspeed, ya wee bastard.

Super Hero News Part Deux: Working the Casting Couch

2006-10-03T16:01:00.000-07:00

Though an official statement has yet to be released, I recently learned that I'm the last person in the universe to hear that this:

Is the new face, body, and franchise hope for this:

[You see how I did that there? The joke is the juxtaposition of the images. Genius!]

In all honesty, this news was a bit jarring to me because I was just like "what the fuck JOSS WHEDON if she's on the friggin' O.C. she CANNOT be THAT Wonderful even if she did guest star in an episode of Buffy!?!" So of course I started researching her online in an effort to destroy her and, much to my great surprise and, then, pleasure, learned that she is considered by many to be a kind, solid young lady with a good head on her shoulders. Plus she's pretty! Behold:

This is a girl I would totally be friends with-- especially if she always treated me to iced caramel lattes at the Coffee Bean [and Tea Leaf] and later took me shopping at Barney's Coop.

Also, can I just say how much I LOVE Wonder Woman? That's why I'm shamlessly adding the fabulous cover images of her; the first is by the great and powerful AH!, the latter by husband and wife team Rachel and Terry Dodson. By the way, if you have any interest in comics at all, the image below is the cover art from the first issue of the Wonder Woman relaunch that is only two issues into its new run. It's being written by Allan Heinberg, who is an awesome, out gay man that has both written and produced for Party of Five, Gilmore Girls, The O.C., and Sex and the City. Go buy it!

In conclusion, if Rachel Bilson is currently a lead on The O.C. and she's just landed the starring role in a major motion picture, what does this mean for her tv show? Industry logic would suggest that The O.C. is finally getting flushed down the crapper. Where it belongs. Good news all around!

Good day and Godspeed, friend.

The Week in Super Hero News: Parlaying Conviction to Casting

2006-10-02T17:20:00.000-07:00

It was announced last weekend that Robert Downey Jr. [Heart & Souls, Gothika] will be playing Tony Stark in the new Iron Man movie being directed by Jon Favreau [Elf, Zathura] which is scheduled for release in 2008.

Here's your brief lesson in ferrous metals: basically Iron Man is to Marvel what Batman is to DC; genius inventor, shrewd businessman, billionaire playboy. The only major difference being that no one knows who the f*** Iron Man even is. See-- I told you it'd be brief!

[This is a great picture done by one of the best artists working in comics today, Ari Granov. Unfortunately he's also famously slow, so his brilliant stint on the recently relaunched Iron Man monthly comic was all too short.]

In any event, I was a bit worried about this casting call until I came across this:

Suddenly it all makes sense! It's like RoDo knew years ago that this was the role of his lifetime and accordingly began his brave Method preparations, which would allow him to delve deep into the twisted psyche of an alcoholic [for the good of the character!] genius [he needed the cocaine to imagine that part!], ultimately winning him an Oscar-- or a nomination at the very least. Oh, the indignity! If only the public had sooner learned the truth!

Okay -- sue me -- this post was a cheap shot and I took it. You try doing a Google image search for Robert Downey Jr. and then refrain from waxing poetic on his mugshot, okay?!

Good day, and get off my back!

Weekend Box Office Report: Kutcher Vs. Kutcher, The Bloodbath

2006-10-02T09:35:00.000-07:00

It is deeply depressing on Monday morning to -- even after I've dipped my head in a trough of caffeinated sugar -- get online and discover that the top two movies at the box office were apparently unstoppable Ashton Kutcher vehicles driven with reckless abandon into megaplexes, shopping malls, and megaplexes at shopping malls by animated woodland Coast Guard rescue swimmers.

Let us all bow our heads and obsereve a moment of silence for this gruesome tragedy.

#1
Open Season, $23 Million

Who would've guessed that a major motion picture studio would finally come up with the whimsical comedy romp pitting Nature versus Man during hunting season that actually makes us wish for the superiority of Man to reign supreme as the cuddly CGI creatures are picked off with grim efficiency by a highly trained marksman in the film's denouement?

#2
Dances With Waves
--OR--
Waterworld: The Final Frontier
[Either way it still made $17.7 Million]

Who would've guessed that a major motion picture studio would finally come up with the sweeping epic adventure pitting Man versus Nature during Coast Guard rescue swimmer training that actually makes us wish for the superiority of Nature to reign supreme as the waning stars are brutally savaged by a rogue tsunami in a tragic drowning sequence in the film's denouement?

#3
Jackass Number Two, $14 Million

Next up, Jackass Numbers Three - Seven. Paramount is going to ride this newly realized franchise like a cheap whore, squeezing every last cent out of their initial investment.

#4
School for Scoundrels, $9.1 Million

I'm not sure if this is a still from the film, or a candid of Billy Bob Thornton and John Heder at the premiere party they threw for themselves. In a museum of natural history. Which no one attended. Except for the caterers. And two of them called in sick.

BIG STINKING DUD of the WEEKEND:

#8
Flyboys, $2.3 Million

This picture is symbolic of the movie's performance, which suffered a staggering 61% plummet in receipts its second week in release. Right now James Franco should be actively fucking his way through every executive office over at Sony, praying for the opportunity to engage in some post-coital pillow talk wherein he happens to let slip how he just might be convinced to sign on to Spiderman 4-- because it's pretty much the only way he's ever going to salvage the trainwreck his career has become and start getting work again.

WINNER of the WEEKEND:
[A Tie!]

#15
The Science of Sleep, $1.2 Million

Still in limited release, Michel Gondry's latest film grew 247.8% in profits its second week in release. The screenplay is superb, different, and very beautifully realized by the actors, cinematographer, and director. Well played, Frenchie, this round to you!

Not Ranked
The Queen, $123k

Opening Saturday in NY, Helen Mirren packed asses into seats and broke 100k, playing on only three screens for just two days. I know- consider the location- but even still this movie is going to rock hard and dirty. Granted it would be so much cooler if Kiki Dunst were playing the titular queen in this film, offering us a true masterclass in acting, because Helen Mirren ain't got shit on Kiki.

Good day and Godspeed, soldier. Stay brave.

Delightful Camp Still Being Sponsored by the Golden Girls

2006-09-29T15:51:00.000-07:00

I culled this photo from Teen People [of all places] after being directed to their site this morning by my darling friend Perez. The article that it accompanies is a pretty entertaining rip on Mischa Barton's predilection for kaftans and dressing gowns generally favored by grannies the world-over.

If you have time definitely check out the source article/photo series, otherwise just enjoy the bizarre sensation of pleasure this picture brings thanks to the magic of Photoshop.

Clay Signs Albums, Scrambles Eggs

2006-09-27T18:50:00.000-07:00

I believe the reason Clay was able to dethrone J.Timberlake for the #1 spot on the Billboard charts is because this woman purchased half of the nearly 130k albums he sold.

Would you like those poached, fried, or fertilized, ma'am?

Where Are They Now: Saved By The Bell Edition

2006-09-27T11:54:00.000-07:00

After Good Morning Miss Bliss and before the College Years, there were four seasons of unabashed cheese that have withstood the test of time to remain the most groundbreaking series ever to grace network television. That series is Saved By The Bell.

Saved By The Bell was [and remains to be] the cool kids' Degrassi, where the trite morals always take a back seat to Zach and Kelly's relationship drama and Lisa's fabulous clothes; it's a fantasyland where the popular kids actually say no to drugs and always do the right thing in the end. For these reasons and more, I've decided to honor the cast of the show that guided me through the formative teenage years of my life with an update of where they are now.

Elizabeth Berkley, A Career Retrospective:

My very favorie thing about my very favorite character, Jessie Myrtle Spano, is that her major drama on the show was either the fact that she was "too tall" or "too smart" for the other kids, and yet somehow Elizabeth Berkley always managed to convince me that being smart really was a debilitating hardship. It's my belief that the creative team behind the scenes recognized just how brightly her light shown and then came up with the episode "Jessie's Song" to showcase her ample gifts. Plus, the episode's message about addiction -- to caffeine pills, which everyone knows is the gateway pill to a dangerous obsession with illegal prescriptive medications -- being wrong and bad served as a noble public service announcement too.

I can only imagine that "Jessie's Song", in turn, served as a gateway performance for Elizabeth Berkley, leading her to much more contemporary fare.

Like this:

And this:

This too:

So where is Elizabeth Berkley now? IMDB tells me she's doing lots of guest work on television and I know that she does lots of theatre as well. It's fairly common knowledge that her career faltered after Bell when she took on the role of dancer Nomi Malone in Joe Eszterhas' visionary homage to MGM's great musicals of the 40's and 50's. Personally, I like to believe that it was not Showgirls that marked her career for termination but another film altogether. The film? First Wives Club.

Mark-Paul & Tiffani [Amber] Thiessen-Gosselaar, Together 4-Eva!

These two should only be discussed as a collective unit-- either as Zack and Kelly or, when absolutely necessary, as their alter-egos "Mark and Tiffani". They were my guiding light in all-things-relationship growing up, which I guess explains my fervent desire to get married in Vegas.

Aren't they adorable? I find their chemistry magical. In my mind they are meant for each other, you know, cosmically-- both in the world of the show and in real life. That's just how perfect they are together.

Mr. and Mrs. Kapowski-Morris now live in the hip new development, Bayside Heights, and are expecting their second child together in November.

Mario Lopez, Still A Himbo:

When last we caught up with Mario Ho-pez he was on Access Hollywood-- that is to say they were doing a story about him because he had just been convicted of date rape. Classy guy! I mean who would have ever guessed that sweet, hunky, dim-witted A.C. [Alfred Clifford] Slater would ever be reduced to slipping his poor unsuspecting date a roofie colada whilst dining at Chipotle just so he could show her his wrestling moves later? Surely she would at least give him a courtesy handjob as polite thanks for dinner before getting out of the car.

Since then, Mario has filled his schedule with a brief stint on Hollywood Squares, a gig hosting Pet Star, and a guest appearance on [the now derelict] UPN's Eve, among many other exciting things. However, circumstances are about to change as he is currently staging his triumphant comeback on ABC's beloved Dancing with the Stars, all with the help of his pro dance partner in chemistry and gossip, Hatchetface:

[There are literally a dozen ways I could go with jokes about how busted this girl's face is, but I've decided against petty mockery because it's not her fault she grew up near Chernobyl. Plus she and Mario did On Air With Ryan Seacrest this morning and she was actually very charming, despite how obnoxiously Mario was behaving. Kudos to her for being such a trooper!]

So honestly I've always found Mario Lopez a bit annoying, even back on Saved By The Bell [Team Zack all the way], but now that he's doing Ryan Seacrest every Wednesday [no pun intended] to promote himself and DWTS my level of annoyance has jumped from "slightly irked" to "if I could kill one person and get away with it, I'd choose Mario Lopez". He's the kind of guy who only plays at being kind and humble but is secretly obviously a toolbox-- only Mario is not so much a toolbox as he is Home Depot. In addition to the Stars, he also guested in a very soapy shower scene with Christian on Nip/Tuck this season. His body looked rockin', though I'm positive the gratuitous ass shots were of a finer-assed body double. I thought about posting some of the almost-lewd pics but decided against it because this is a wholesome family website and I'm above that.

Oh right, no I'm not.

Has Anyone Seen Lark Voorhies? I Think She Might Be Dead...

I always adored spunky Lisa Turtle's totally fly clothes on the Bell, and will forever remember how gracefully she handled having to share virtually every waking moment of screen time with Screech.

Regarding her life now, I did find a photo of her in some sort of Lifetime made-for-tv movie wherein an honest woman [likely a single working mother] is wrongfully convicted of murder [because it was self-defense] and sentenced to a hard-knock women's penitentiary where she's forced to fend off hungry dykes looking to make her their bitch while her lawyer [who's fallen madly in love with her] fights to clear her good name so that she can get her baby back and marry him in a happy wedding finale. At least that's what I'm assuming the movie is about because, the truth is, she looked like hell so I'm sparing her the indignity of posting picture from the movie's second act where she's all ugly in jail. Instead, let's all choose to immortalize Lark by remembering her as Lisa Turtle-- the classy, sassy, spoiled rich girl we all so longingly wish we could be. Lisa, you're an inspiration to us all.

If You Have A Weak Stomach You Should Just Skip This Part About Dustin Diamond. Seriously.

Who would have guessed that loveably geeky Samuel "Screech" Powers...

...would one day be reduced to shopping a three-way porn called Saved By The Smell, where the climactic money shot consists of Screech taking a dump on some girl's chest in the bathroom at The Max. Defamer has this delightful picture up, which they obtained from TMZ:

So -- yeah -- just let that gestate for a little while...

First it was Celebrity Boxing on Fox, then it was hocking t-shirts on the net to save his house, and now Dustin has finally been reduced to making poorly-lit homemade sex tapes. This has simultaneously destroyed my childhood and achieved the staggering feat of making Liz Berkley's infamous star-making turn at The Cheetah and in Goddess and in the pool with Kyle MacLachlan look like Schindler's fucking List.

The Happy Ending?

Growing up, whenever I was having a tough time, I'd just turn on the tv and Zach and the gang would be there to cheer me up and show me the path to righteousness. They taught me what it meant to be cool, and for that I will always love them-- sex tapes, Showgirls, Fastlane, et al. Stay tuned 'til next week when we'll check in to see what's what with Mr. Belding, Moose, Tori Scott, and Stacey Carosi.

Good day and Godspeed, friend.

N - A - S - T - Y!

2006-09-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

CASH REWARD

$10,000 for any information leading to the return of Janet Jackson's neck.

Scissor Sisters: The Cruelest Cut of All

2006-09-26T17:12:00.000-07:00

The new Scissor Sisters' album arrived in stores today and, rather than eat, I decided to use my lunch break to obtain sustenance of an alternate variety: the Jake Shears variey!

However, it would appear that not everyone is as eager to say Ta-Dah; overpriced retailer FYE is saying ta-don't. Below is, pretty much, the entire article -- I promise it's a very quick read -- which can be found on both VH1 and MTV's sites:

The Scissor Sisters' Ta-Dah is curretly the top album in the U.K., having sold more than 288,000 copies its first week of release...

Yet in the U.S., the album — which was released here Tuesday (September 26) — is not being carried in nearly 1,100 record stores in 26 states, all because of a single comment Sisters frontman Jake Shears made at a retail convention in Kissimmee, Florida, last month.
"I complained at the NARM [the National Association of Recording Merchandisers] convention that [For Your Entertainment's] record prices were too high," Shears told MTV News over the weekend at Baltimore's Virgin Festival. "A few months ago, I went to go buy the new Raconteurs album, and it was like $18.99. Of course, I rounded it up to $20 when I made the comments, and now they're denying it. They said, 'Our records are not $20, they're $19.99.' And so now they're not carrying our new record. I mean, even Wal-Mart is carrying it, but FYE is not."

But Shears is only partially accurate, because FYE isn't the only chain that won't be carrying the New York band's Ta-Dah — neither will Sam Goody, Strawberries, Wherehouse, Specs or Coconuts. Like FYE, those chains are owned by Trans World Entertainment, an Albany, New York, entertainment conglomerate that is one of the largest retailers of music, video and video games in the U.S.

According to Trans World President and CEO Jim Litwak, his company was just expressing its displeasure at Shears' comments, which he said were untrue and unfair...

"Mr. Shears said that he tried to buy a Raconteurs album but didn't because it was too expensive," Litwak told MTV News. "But he didn't bring it up to register, because if he did, he would've seen that the CD was on sale.

"So Mr. Shears made an incorrect statement at a convention instead of reaching out to us, to discuss our pricing," Litwak continued. "We decided that it would've been nice to get an apology from them, so we reached out to their distribution company [Universal Music Group Distribution] to let them know we were displeased, and we never heard back from them. So we made the decision not to carry the band's new release."

"Our hands are up in the air, and there's no rhyme or reason in this country when it comes to music," Shears sighed. "And this gives you an idea of the iron curtain that's really going on. We've sort of just decided to work really hard and see what happens."

What I'm left wondering in the wake of this article is this: Jim Litwak's a fifteen year old girl, right? Because that is one juvenille retaliation stunt! I'm thinking that rather than boycott Trans World Entertainment we should just write "Jim is a fat bi-otch" all over the tables in the cafeteria so that everyday at lunch when he sits down to enjoy his goulash and canned peas he'll be reduced to a simpering mess of runny mascara whilst everyone points and laughs at him, thereby forcing him to flee to the handicapped stall in the girl's bathroom where he'll spend the rejoinder of his day promising to "make them all pay". That's equally sophmoric, no?

I'd also like to inform everyone that the new album is so hott it made me hard, and it's basically implied that everyone should go buy themselves a copy.

It would be imprudent of me, however, if I didn't remind us all of the moral of today's cautionary tale before we part ways: the joke is on us for so foolishly neglecting to reach out to FYE to discuss their absurd pricing system-- because if we had reached out to them, we would've discovered that everything in the store is secretly on sale. No, seriously, it is.

Good day and Godspeed, friend.

Work It Out for Africa, Kate!

2006-09-25T18:49:00.000-07:00

To know me is to know my love of Kate Moss. She is fabulous, and completely deserving of her recent career comeback despite the shitstorm of her oft-publicized daliances in the snow. No stranger to courting controversy, she is making headlines again in Europe-- but this time for a different reason alltogether:

I have to say I love this portrait of her and I LOVE that it's for the AIDS Awareness movement of which, if nothing else, we should all be aware. And on that note, I'd like to encourage everyone to stop by the website for ONE. Educating yourself is the first step in taking action!

Good day and Godspeed, my friend!

Trannies Gone Wild!

2006-09-25T17:17:00.000-07:00

I meant to post this still from Fergie's TRL performance last week but forgot. My sincerest apologies for keeping this joy out of your lives:

Voice Over, Interior Monologue of Stacy Ferguson:
I am so totally BITCH TITS right now! That's RIGHT I'm BRINGING bitch tits BACK! Eat THAT Justin! You just got served by The ONE and ONLY Dutchess!! I am completely BRILLIANT and look AMAZING in this argyle mini-cardigan with ADORABLE matching tie. You LOVE ME, TRL, you really, REALLY love me! Now go vote for my video!! I MEAN it, GO VOTE NOW because I used to date Mario Lopez when we were on Kids Incorporated together when I was 10 but he was a TOTAL PLAYER and THEN I started doing crystal meth but I bounced BACK from it all and NOW I am completely BITCH TITS! You will BOW to the DUTCHESS!

So I'm not a Fergie hater or anything, but she's pretty much a full on trainwreck. Plus, even without the whole bra flashing, the shirt alone is heinous. Maybe she'll use some of the profits from the downing of her London Bridge to hire a stylist? I'm just putting that idea out in the universe, do what you will with it, Ferg.

Weekend Box Office: Jackass Number Two is Number One, Sean Penn Is Not

2006-09-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

Continuing the downward spiral of the last couple weeks, this weekend's anemic box office take marked the third in a row to see a dip from last year's performance.

#1
Jackass Number Two, $28.1 million

Raking in $28.1 during its first weekend in release, Jackass Number Two has prompted the sudden greenlighting of numerous reality spin-offs from small to silver screen. At press time, no release date had been set on the Newlyweds: We Were Only Kidding About That Whole Divorce Thing! film, but Joe Simpson remains adamant that pre-production is scheduled to begin just as soon as Vanessa Minillo is brutally murdered by a pricy hitman due to a hilarious case of mistaken identity.

#2
Jet Li's Fearless, $10.1 million

While this was originally being touted as Li's retirement from the whole Martial Arts genre, it's now being reported that it is merely his last Kung Fu flick, leaving the door wide open for the oft-discussed CHAN VS. LI teaming which seems to be mired in development hell due to the seemingly endless barrage of setbacks on the soon-to-be-classic Rush Hour Three.

#3
Gridiron Gang, $9.7 million

Apparently people can't get enough of The Rock. I know I can't. Seriously. In its second week of release, the film has managed to bring in $27.2 million overall, which is pretty great considering the man's career sprouted from the World Wrestling Federation. Rock on, Dwayne! [I know, and I couldn't resist.]

#4
Flyboys, $6 million

Nobody saw this film when it was released last year as Annapolis, so I have no idea why MGM decided to pony up the cash to repackage and distribute it with a new title. Do yourself a favor and just catch an equally satisfying 17 minutes of Top Gun on USA one fine Saturday afternoon while you're getting ready to go to the mall.

#5
Everyone's Hero, $4.75 million

I neither know nor care what this film is even about and, judging from its receipts to date, the rest of America concurs.

#6
The Black Dahlia, $4.4 million

I wanted to do a posting last week about this film specifically-- not to tell people how good it was, but rather to warn them to stay away from this life-sucking crapfest. The one good thing about the movie is the poster which, frankly, I only like in as much as it pays homage to Six Feet Under. Otherwise, good script? Nope. Good actors making awful choices? In abundance. Hyper-stylized noir-ish cinematography? Yes, and poorly executed at that. Bad direction to marry the aforementioned elements? Absolutely! The only way I'd recommend this is if you were having problems sleeping. Though even that is sort of a cautionary suggestion at best because, on the chance that you didn't nod off, this film would probably plague your nightmares until the end of time.

#7
All The King's Men, $3.8 million

Can't you just imagine the conversation Sean Penn will soon be having with his agent, wherein he'll inquire as to why he wasn't shown a script for Jackass Number Two, which was better reviewed by the NY Times and Variety than his dismal remake?

#8
The Covenant, $3.3 million

I saw this movie twice during its opening weekend because it's just that mind-blowingly AWESOME. After Renny Harlin first blew my mind with genetically altered GENIUS SHARKS in Deep Blue Sea, he decides to give me the gift of beautiful model-esque he-witches, both in SPEEDOS by the POOL and NAKED in the SHOWER. It didn't even need a plot. Which is good, because it didn't have one. Or maybe it did and I just can't remember because of all the magic...

#9
The Illusionist, $3.28 million

Despite some undeniably beautiful cinematography, this film basically functions as one giant debateably-clever metaphor for an illusion. It's pretty gimmicky, but works well because of the subject matter. That said, it was incredibly slow and, ultimately, I still didn't like it.

#10
Little Miss Sunshine, $2.9 million

Fucking BRILLIANT! I laughed, I cried, and I saw it twice. If you haven't already seen this movie, do yourself a favor and go now. I will be truly shocked if this doesn't garner some nominations come awards season.

Anyhow, Happy Monday, y'all!

Case of the Ex: Mya Gives Good Quote

2006-09-22T11:33:00.000-07:00

In an online-exclusive interview with VIBE that's been floating around cyberland for the past week, Mya gave some delightul dish that was simply too good to pass up. Enjoy!

VIBE: In the past you have been linked to artists like 50 Cent. Any comments?

Mya: Yes: it’s not true. 50 and I never dated, never cuddled, never did anything, period, despite what he chooses to believe in his own mind. I don’t know how he would get Lloyd Banks confused with me.

Oh, SNAP! Maybe I will buy Liberation [her upcoming fourth studio effort] after all!

America's Next Tyra Montage: Mad Weave Edition

2006-09-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

The boys, girls, and trannies of Top Model are back and, thanks in part to the new CW, even more low-budge than ever! Gone forever are the Elysian Fields wherein the Lucky Bitch Who Wins gets to frolick whilst world-renowned photog Giles Bensimon sweetly coaxes her to doff her Miss Sixty halter for a series of "outtakes" that will only be made available on ElleGirrrl.com and to her new Uber-Agent at Ford. In is the new regime, replete with six-page[!] editorial spread for Seventeen and contracted representation [pun intended] from filthy second-tier agency, Elite.

In my version of events, I imagine a scenario in which Tyra was brought in for a lunch meeting at Ford, only to be ambushed upon entering a mock-boardroom wherein she was told by an icy executive, "Thirteen ladies remain, but I only have twelve photos in my hand representing the twelve beautiful women who will continue on in hopes of becoming Ford's Next Top High Maintenance Client. The girl whose name I do not call must immediately proceed to the freight elevator, where she will be escorted by an armed security gaurd out the back entrance and into a Chevy Astro that will whisk her away to Elite Model Management and subsequent obscurity." Then said executive showed Tyra, as she waited with baited breath, a dozen different photos of Naomi Campbell who, in a surprising twist of events, leapt out from behind a plastic tree and threw a Blackberry at Tyra's giant 80's weave shrieking "I hate you, fat bitch!" Good, right?

Anyhow, let's meet the girls and post-ops of Cycle Seven!

[WARNING! The following photos are EXTREMELY CONTROVERSIAL! The "Model Stereotypes" shoot is the MOST OUTRAGEOUS to ever be attampted on ANTM! Please, this isn't for the faint of heart and shouldn't be tried at home!]

Allow me to present Caridee:

Or as I will be calling her, Joanie Deux Point O!

Meet the twins, Amanda and Michelle:

[Or Michelle and Amanda...]

Honestly, I neither know nor care which is what. But I love them both for their "so wrong they're right" good looks.

Here's Anchal:

Anchal is more symbolic than anything else. She represents Tyra's insisted foray into ethnic diversity to prove that women of every color are beautiful even though mainstream modeling only sees in black and white and recently sometimes yellow. Despite the futility of her tenure on the show, I find her GORGEOUS.

This is Brooke:

Brooke is this cycle's plucky blonde small-town gal with a big heart and even bigger dreams. This is not a good shot of her and I'm hoping she'll improve, which is inevitable really, because it's not possible to have a worse picture taken.

Here's Megan:

She's this cycle's androgynous beauty. Like Cycle Five's Kim, only less dykey. Did you know that when she was little she and her mother were in a plane crash? It's true! Her mother saved her from dying of hypothermia just like the thing in Star Wars saves Luke Skywalker [even though it didn't so much have a choice]. Isn't that cool? It just makes me like her even more.

And who could forget our good friend, Ru?

RuPaul look-alike Jaeda is our Cycle Seven Tranny. There's always one and, unfortunately for we the viewers, Miss Thang decided not to pluck Jaslene "everyday is a fashion opportunity" from the barrios of the casting special. Jaeda reminds me of Coryn, but only insomuch as they both look like men...

This evil whore is Monique:

And for the record, her personality is as heinous as her body is rockin'.

Voila! Boring faux rocker chick Megg:

I'm over her and her stupid two g's already. Yawn.

Allow me to introduce Eugena:

I can think of a half-dozen people just off the top of my head who would kill to have legs that looked that flawless-- myself included. Work.

This old queen's Melrose:

If I were being polite I'd say "the bloom has gone off her rose." If I were being honest I'd admit I feel old just looking at her; she's tired, and will soon be seen hobbling away with her very own walker, complete with tennis balls on the legs.

This girl is EXTERMINATED:

Tyra stayed true to form and axed one of the younger, more beautiful hopefuls early on. This is a trend with her, and I suspect that when they'd wrapped shooting for the episode, Tyra invited her to dinner and ate poor unsuspecting Christian's soul.

Finally, meet our diamond in the rough, AJ:

She's simply DIVINE.

So, there you have it, kids. The thirteen-turned-twelve would-be Divas of America's Next Top Model, Cycle Seven. At least five of them totally bore me, so I'm sorry if their lameness caused any diminished level of whimsy in my post and caused anyone to nod off.

Good day and Godspeed.

Every Other Week of the Year is Officially Dead to Me: the Fabulous Life of New York Fashion Week

2006-09-12T14:36:00.000-07:00

It's true, maintaining a daily blog is apparently not my forte. It's also true that I don't know how to add the accent over the 'e' in forte. So much for that Computer Skills course I had to take in eighth grade...

In any case, I'm back with a vengeance today; a vengeance called Fall Fashion Week '06. For all the plebes out there lacking the sartorial urge to indulge as completely in an event so utterly delightful, allow me to recap my top ten favorite highlights thus far:

[1]

Feast your eyes on this tasty Proenza Schouler number:

As one of my dear friends would most certainly say:

"Oh honey..."

[2]

And now an actual look from the PS collection:

It's simply DIVINE, like, in a total Joan-Collins-as-Alexis-Carrington-in-Dynasty-less-the-too-dramatic-shoulder-pads sort of way. Now if only her hair had been crimped, then we'd be in business.

But seriously, Proenza Schouler has been catching a LOT of flack for this collection. Every scrupulous editor from NY to London has been saying the same two words: Herve Leger [the accents are implied, okay?]. For those of you who aren't up with the designers of days gone by, Herve Leger was a major fixture of the Eighties. So on top of the imitation Herve, people are saying the tube dresses and skirts [like the one above] are too tight, too constricting. Personally I enjoyed the collection, but mostly in a stage-y costume sort of way. I just can't help that I wish more people dressed like they were in Dynasty-- at least there would be more glamor!

[3]

The gowns of Oscar De La Renta:

It would be a lie if I didn't begin by admitting my first thought during the De LA Renta Show was:

"HAIR!?! Sweet Jesus! What in GOD'S name is WRONG with their HAIR!?"

Because EVERY model coming down the runway looked like she'd only just finished with a figurative "roll in the hay".

The sensationally styled coifs -- at which I recoiled in sheer terror -- seem to be offering up a motif of wind tunnels, Aquanet, and John F. Kennedy Junior High's 1988 themed Dinner Dance "An Evening Under the Stars". Yet despite the hairy [it was too good to resist] misstep, Oscar -- who happens to be the nom de choix of conservatives the world-wide -- offers a perfect skewering of some of the season's most predominant trends: floral prints, bubble silhouettes/plays on volume, tiers/layers, and lace. On top of that, the collection has been widely well-received as one of his most elegant to-date. Ann Coulter, eat your heart out!

[4]

Mischa Barton in an as-yet unidentifiable shirt dress at the Marc Jacobs After-Party:

Now I know that Mischa is generally reviled on gossip sites across the universe, but I LOVE this dress. Would it look better on a girl with more meat? Absolutely. Would it look better on me? There's a strong possibility. But shirt dresses are in, ditto metallics. For me, this silver dress is a gold medal win. And yes, I'll gladly accept a nice glass of Red Zin with that.

[5]

The HOTT blonde models of Caroline Herrera:

Caroline's latest collection is being lauded by some critics as a departure from her [generally] more severe signature look. I don't absolutely adore it, but I don't hate it either. There were a few lovely pieces.

However, her models -- though eerily "Master Race" -- are stunning. Simply to die for.

[6]

Marc Jacobs: Trendsetting or Tacky-ing Up the Runway? You be the judge:

Layers? Check.

Metallics? Rockin it hardcore.

Bubble silhouette? Much to my great chagrin...

Super-Hero-Chic? Wait-- what...!? Just add thigh-high boots and a whip and this broad is good to go.

Hammer Pants? Hammertime! DON'T touch this. EVER.

Though highly conceptual, I find the entire Marc Jacobs collection very fashion forward and am of the mind that he remains one of the great Icons of Fashion. Plus, from a designer who tends to work with extremely bold colors, the creme and gray-tones are a very nice touch. Bravo, Marc!

[7]

Grillz and leaves on the Baby Phat models:

Not only were there grillz on half the models, but the Baby Phat headgear of choice were these super-costumey leaves which made NO sense at ALL considering the fact that this is a READY TO WEAR line. Are you READY TO WEAR leaves on your head? Is anyone? That's what I thought.

Plus, can someone please explain to me how these girls are supposed to turn any tricks with various bits of shrubbery lodged in their hair?

I can just imagine the conversation that happened during the brainstorm for this line:

Kimmora Lee Simmons: What are we doing about hats this year?

Design Team: Hats?

KLS: Yeah, hats. I was thinking something retro, like trucker hats!

DT: Trucker hats?

KLS: Yeah! Wouldn't that be, like, SO retro!?

DT: You know, it actually looks like we don't have the budget to hire a milliner this year.

KLS: What about a hat maker?

DT: ...

KLS: Well, what DO we have the money for?

DT: Something inexpensive.

KLS: OH! I know-- LEAVES! We'll make HATS out of LEAVES! Leaves are FREE if you get them from TREES! GOD I am SUCH a PIONEER!

DT: Are you high?

KLS: Yes! LEAVES! Make it happen. Now LEAF me alone! Hahaha, I am SO FUNNY!

Kimmora Lee Simmons should be hunted down and killed -- or at the very least maimed -- for inflicting these atrocitities upon the world. This collection was a TOTAL CRIME against humanity. And no, I am NOT KIDDING even a LITTLE.

[8]

DKNY- in living color!

Oh my God! Donna? Is that really you?

I didn't know your palate extended beyond black and beige!

Let me also state for the record that my mention of DKNY should in no way be construed as an endorsement of Donna Karan's taste level which, though I'm sure is rooted in all the best intentions, has been ever-so-wayward as of late. The dresses are fine. Nothing more, nothing less. But the hats? Really Donna? Maybe Dodgers' Stadium, but definitely NOT Bryant Park. They almost make me want the Baby Phat show back.

[9]

The Look of Diane Von Furstenberg, Fashion Goddess and Shining Beacon of Hope:

The DVF Wrap Dress. Truly iconic.

LOVE the hott pink lips!

The print! The pockets!

Just as grand in green!

Again, adorable.

If Rachel Zoe has her way, I imagine this is what we'll see splashed across the pages of US, Star, and People on every socialite-cum-celebrity from Beverly Hills to Malibu-- and for once, I wouldn't mind.

The color screams Big Bird, and yet I still love it. How do you do this magic, Diane?

So fresh! So Flirty!

Now, as a few folks may know, I was not-so-gainfully employed by Bloomingdale's for a couple months, wherein I worked as the Diane Von Furstenberg ~~Slave~~ Specialist. Does this make me impartial? No! Though the clothes were stellar, the money was... not. DVF is truly a fashion house with which to be reckoned, and Diane is, in my humble opinion, a goddess, and fashion's continued shining beacon of hope. Some say her latest collection is looking too hard please, but when you're that good with cut, print, and color I think it's good that you can please the masses. This is by far my favorite collection of the week so far.

[10]

Perry Ellis endows a new movement in men's shorts:

Wow. Less IS more.

Good day and Godspeed, my friend.

[And PLEASE, go check out New York Magazine's Fashion Week Live for more photos, reviews, and awesomeness. Theirs is the site from whence the photos came!]

Ledger Dons Make-Up, Sports Effeminate Color Palate, Plays Joker

2006-08-01T10:45:00.000-07:00

When rumor began circulating a couple weeks ago on many a fanboy site about the alleged casting of Heath Ledger as the Joker in the hotly anticipated sequel to last year's Batman Begins -- which has officially been christened The Dark Knight -- it left a bad taste in my mouth. Like, the "I just woke up from a night of a hard partying and realized that the 3am burger with everything on it which seemed like such a great idea at the time is currently residing in a chunky puddle on my favorite pillow which I may or may not have cuddled with last night and WHAT in god's name was in that SPECIAL SAUCE'!?" sort of bad taste. It should come as no great shock then, that when CNN.com finally managed to confirm the veracity of the rumor late last night they also drove a metaphoric bat-a-rang into my heart.

There are many individuals out there who find Heath Ledger to be a truly gifted, special actor. I am not one of them. Now I won't go so far as to insinuate that Mr. Ledger is a bad actor because that is simply not the case. I think he's a fine actor, but his being cast goes so far against that I just can't seem to wrap my head around him playing the Joker. As a vehicle for my catharsis, I thought I might use this entry to take a trip down Memory Lane and weigh the relative merits of some of Heath's better known roles:

Ten Things I Hate About You (1999) -- I LOVE this movie, I saw it three times in the theatre, and even argued with one of my friends just last week about how I think it's a teen clasic. I mean, who doesn't love the scene where Julia Stiles shows her soccer coach "the plan"? Or the part where Heath sings Can't Take My Eyes Off of You while being accompanied by the marching band? I wish someone would serenade me like that! How sweet.

The Patriot (2000)-- This may or may not have been one of the first movies during which I actually cried. But I'll never tell. Perhaps, if you're able to locate one of my best friends from high school, a Mr. Dylan Arthur Huey, he will tell you. I really thought Heath stood out in this. In a good way.

A Knight's Tale (2001)-- Not the best film ever, but it's still okay because you get to see Paul Bettany naked. In some way, I can even give Heath bonus points for that. I had to be dragged to see it becasue I thought it looked completely retarded, but I know I ended up enjoying myself. I can't believe I'm admitting that in print.

Monster's Ball (2001)-- Did you forget he was even in this movie, too? Does anyone even remember anything about this film besides Halle Berry's sugar tits* and their subsequent Oscar win? My boyfriend -- who has generally impeccable taste in "quality filmmaking", though is prone to lapses in judgement regarding lesser faire -- tells me Heath's performance "was just as good as Halle, only smaller," though I believe his brains may be slightly addled by how attractive he finds Heath to be. He kills himself in it, right? That was shocking.

The Four Feathers (2002)-- Yes, I was one of the thirty-seven people in America that saw this film. Yes, I was one of the two that liked it. Yes, my taste level is highly questionable and you should maybe stop reading this blog right now and set your computer on fire. I think Kate Hudson and Wes Bentley, as well as Heath, are wonderful in this movie.

Ned Kelly (2003)-- Didn't this get released straight to video?

The Order (2003)-- Quite possibly the worst film ever made. An utter disaster. I remember they delayed its release to re-shoot the ending because it had tested so poorly. Rather than actually doing that, I think someone at the studio decided it would be too costly and they just released it in February.

The Brothers Grimm (2005)-- The Brothers Crap, is more like it. I hated EVERYTHING about this piece of shit.

Brokeback Mountain (2005)-- Truthfully, I have precious little to say about this film. I loved parts of it, but left feeling kind of empty. That conflict of emotion usually leads me to not-so-righteous judgement. What's worse, La Ledger's performance was one of my least favorite parts of the film.

Casanova (2005)-- Why, Lena Olin? Why did you participate in this movie? You're so fabulous on Alias, surely you can do better. Ugh, the trailer alone was EXCRUCIATING. Irina Derevko would be sooo disappointed.

Okay, based on the collective merits of these films alone, I'm still a little worried. I both saw and liked his first five major movies, but the latter five on the list hurt me. Perhaps I can just ignore the last four years of his filmography and hope for the best? There IS promise there, he CAN be goofy and edgy, right? Maybe I needn't fret. He is an Academy Award nominated actor now, after all. Just please, PLEASE be good!

Here's what I'll leave you with-- though Jack Nicholson's Joker is tolerable and entertaining in many ways, he is not in any way rooted by the mythology of the character in the comics. My main concern is for the preservation of the spirit of the comic book; I'm a huge ~~nerd~~ fanboy, and I just want them to get the Joker right this time. Plus, though I do love Christopher Nolan's approach to the Bat Franchise -- grounding everything in reality -- I will remain suspicious as to how one will go about "grounding" a psychotic gang leader who dresses like a clown and has a theatrical flair for nasty murders until I see some promising dailies. That's a hint, Warner Brothers, write that down and have them courriered over, ASAP!

*Courtesy Mel Gibson.

Exclusive! People Magazine Hates the Gays!

2006-07-31T11:00:00.000-07:00

Normally I would dedicate myself, and thereby my blog, to making stupid jokes like "Lance says 'Bye Bye Bye' to heterosexuality," or "Reichen 'Dirty Pops' Lance's cherry," or even "Lance 'Digitally Gets Down' with men!" Seriously, normally I'd be all about that-- but not today. Today I must address a very serious social inequity.

Unless you've just awakened from a catnap that accidentally lasted a decade [read: coma], you're probably aware of the new issue of People magazine which hit newstands Friday-- you know, the one where Lance Bass confirms what the entire free world has known since the inception of N*Sync back in 1996-- that he is in fact a God-fearing, ass-loving Friend of Dorothy. That noise you just heard? The collective sound of a nation gasping in shocked unison because NO ONE ever even had A CLUE.

However, I must admit there is a bit of the whole ordeal that I do find truly scandalous-- that being the ABYSMAL cover photo on People. For that particular shot to be selected for the cover, it had to be approved by a whole team of editors-- all of which clearly hate the gays. Even Haggard Britney or Fat Kirtstie Alley get more loving photoshop attention. Can we not extend the same air-brushing courtesies to one Lance Bass and his newfound gaiety? Seriously? And is it even remotely possible that from an entire photo shoot that was the best picture taken? It's just NOT. Personally I don't even find L.Bass appealing, but I've seen better low-res candids of him trolling around Provincetown, MA, for stray ass. There really should have been a stylist present, or in the event of photographing a gay man -- a former boybander no less [dare I say national treasure?] -- there should have been a SQUADRON of stylists all FAWNING over him to ensure the preservation of the "Why Are All the Hott Ones Gay" epidemic, currently contageous in liberal arts colleges, nationwide.

Honestly though, I am forced to reflect on last week's "stunning revelation" and wonder if People magazine doesn't have their own anti-gay agenda ready to counteract the current gay movement? I mean, perhaps Lance was meant to look approachable and human? Or perhaps he was meant to look like a 31 year old special needs man-child who really likes grape posicles and lives in a cardboard fort in his parents' basement? Or perhaps it's all part of People's masterplan to take down the glamorous empire of the gays, one has-been-boybander at a time?

You be the judge...

Adventures in Babysitting!!

2006-07-13T10:19:00.000-07:00

Breaking news: Raven Simone is a fat bitch.

Why, you may be asking? Well let me tell you why. In conjunction with everyone's favorite studio -- Disney, of course -- one Ms. Simone is set to star in a remake of one of the Greatest 80's Films Ever: Adventures in Freakin' Babysitting!

How could this even be happening!? I feel sick, confused, alone, bewildered, numb... bewildered.

Let's be real about this. For starters, the original AIB announced the arrival of a brilliant young auteur -- one Christopher Columbus -- to the scene of American cinema. His masterful reinterpretation of The Odyssey starring ingenue Elisabeth Shue [hertofore known primarily for her role as blonde hottie "Ali Mills" in the Karate Kid, but I digress] as a modern-day Odysseus transcended both genre and medium to become simply "art". Seriously. You show me a person who didn't watch back to back Adventures in Babysitting Saturdays on TBS and then wake up Sunday and watch it again on USA and I'll show you a ~~moron~~ ~~idiot~~ philistine. What's more is that, really, AIB paved the way for other monumental touchstones of cinema... like Home Alone, Mrs. Doubtfire, and Harry Potter. And Rent. That was a gem. Seriously though, all bitchery aside, why!?

Slightly tangential -- though still pertinent -- to this all, can I just say how much I LOVE that very first scene in Babysitting where "Chris" is getting ready for a night on the town with her boyfriend while dancing around to the Crystals' And Then He Kissed Me only to find out said boyfriend is a huge cad and is ditching her for the evening. It made me long for the day that I, too, would be doing that very same thing, less getting stood up and falling back on an evening of child services to keep me entertained. I also LOVE the part with the auto mechanic who may or may not actually be Thor, Norse God of Thunder who I prefer to believe actually IS Thor, Norse God of Thunder. And the part on the subway where she says "DON'T FUCK with the BABYSITTER!" God, I just love that. Seriously, why remake perfection?

Anyhow, I'll be sure to keep everyone abreast of the situation as new informations continues to roll in. Seriously, I could make so many puns about the size of Raven Fatmone's huge knockers or all her rolls of fat right now. But I won't. Because I'm classy like that.

Signing off. Good day to you all.

E! True Hollywood Story: Minesweeper

2006-07-12T11:40:00.000-07:00

okay, so truthfully my latest obsession has been the delightful PC game Minesweeper, est. circa the late Mesozoic [technically, the Cretaceous] Era.

in the spirit of full disclosure, i have to admit i could never figure out how the game actually worked. what's that? brilliant, you say? moi? indeed. conceptually, the whole thing was mind-boggling. "what are all these stupid numbers," i would find myself wondering, and then after that, "oh great. i found a bomb and died. again."

so, miracle of miracles, the heavens parted and suddenly i figured out what the hell the game was all about a few days ago-- and was then both alternately shocked and embarassed by how utterly simple it really is. it's basically a math/logic game designed to help toddlers with their reasoning skills. which perahps would explain my inability to grasp the concept-- i lack any coherent sense of reasoning.

anyhow, today let's raise our glasses to a faithful standby of a PC game, Minesweeper!

you can play it for free here:

Minesweeper rocks, bitches!

all about the emmy's

2006-07-06T08:18:00.000-07:00

This morning at an obscenely early press conference, the 58th annual Primetime Emmy Awards were announced. They are as follows:

Drama Series:

Grey's Anatomy, ABC
House, Fox
The Sopranos, HBO
24, Fox
The West Wing, NBC

Comedy Series:

Arrested Development, Fox
Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO
The Office, NBC
Scrubs, NBC
Two and a Half Men, CBS

Miniseries:

Bleak House (Masterpiece Theatre), PBS
Elizabeth I, HBO
Into the West, TNT
Sleeper Cell, Showtime

Made-for-TV Movie:

Flight 93, A&E
The Flight That Fought Back, Discovery Channel
The Girl in the Cafe, HBO
Mrs. Harris, HBO
Yesterday, HBO

Variety, Music or Comedy Series:

The Colbert Report, Comedy Central
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, Comedy Central
Late Night With Conan O'Brien, NBC
Late Show With David Letterman, CBS
Real Time With Bill Maher, HBO

Actor, Drama Series:

Denis Leary, Rescue Me, FX Network
Peter Krause, Six Feet Under, HBO
Kiefer Sutherland, 24, Fox
Martin Sheen, The West Wing, NBC

Actress, Drama Series:

Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer, TNT
Geena Davis, Commander in Chief, ABC
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, NBC
Frances Conroy, Six Feet Under, HBO
Allison Janney, The West Wing, NBC

Supporting Actor, Drama Series:

William Shatner, Boston Legal, ABC
Oliver Platt, Huff, Showtime
Michael Imperioli, The Sopranos, HBO
Gregory Itzin, 24, Fox
Alan Alda, The West Wing, NBC

Supporting Actress, Drama Series:

Candice Bergen, Boston Legal, ABC
Sandra Oh, Grey's Anatomy, ABC
Chandra Wilson, Grey's Anatomy, ABC
Blythe Danner, Huff, Showtime
Jean Smart, 24, Fox

Actor, Comedy Series:

Larry David, Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO
Kevin James, The King of Queens, CBS
Tony Shalhoub, Monk, USA
Steve Carell, The Office, NBC
Charlie Sheen, Two and a Half Men, CBS

Actress, Comedy Series:

Lisa Kudrow, The Comeback, HBO
Jane Kaczmarek, Malcolm in the Middle, Fox
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The New Adventures of Old Christine, CBS
Stockard Channing, Out of Practice, CBS
Debra Messing, Will & Grace, NBC

Supporting Actor, Comedy Series:

Will Arnett, Arrested Development, Fox
Jeremy Piven, Entourage, HBO
Bryan Cranston, Malcolm in the Middle, Fox
Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men, CBS
Sean Hayes, Will & Grace, NBC

Supporting Actress, Comedy Series:

Cheryl Hines, Curb Your Enthusiasm, HBO
Alfre Woodard, Desperate Housewives, ABC
Jaime Pressly, My Name Is Earl, ABC
Elizabeth Perkins, Weeds, Showtime
Megan Mullally, Will & Grace, NBC

Actor, Miniseries or a Movie:

Charles Dance, Bleak House (Masterpiece Theatre), PBS
Donald Sutherland, Human Trafficking, Lifetime
Ben Kingsley, Mrs. Harris, HBO
Jon Voight, Pope John Paul II, CBS
Andre Braugher, Thief, FX Network

Actress, Miniseries or a Movie:

Kathy Bates, Ambulance Girl, Lifetime
Gillian Anderson, Bleak House (Masterpiece Theatre), PBS
Helen Mirren, Elizabeth I, HBO
Judy Davis, A Little Thing Called Murder, Lifetime
Annette Bening, Mrs. Harris, HBO

Supporting Actor, Miniseries or a Movie:

Denis Lawson, Bleak House (Masterpiece Theatre), PBS
Hugh Dancy, Elizabeth I, HBO
Jeremy Irons, Elizabeth I, HBO
Robert Carlyle, Human Trafficking, Lifetime
Clifton Collins Jr., Thief, FX Network

Supporting Actress, Miniseries or a Movie:

Kelly Macdonald, The Girl in the Cafe, HBO
Shirley Jones, Hidden Places, Hallmark
Ellen Burstyn, Mrs. Harris, HBO
Cloris Leachman, Mrs. Harris, HBO
Alfre Woodard, The Water Is Wide (Hallmark Hall of Fame Presentation), CBS

First of all, congratulations to HBO! They received a staggering 95 total nods, and are followed by ABC which garnered 64 nomiations.

Now, as many probably heard this year, the Emmy's implemented a new nominating procedure that was intended to open up the Emmy's to previously snubbed performances and shows. Many were citing the new system as "the Lauren Graham rule", because it was widely expected that the nominationally-challenged actress would finally receive the credit she so richly deserves. This morning, many were proven wrong.

It probably doesn't help Lauren Graham that she's on a WB television show, and that the Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse is anything on the WB receiving anything other than a Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Award. Remember, the WB is the network that used to have a cartoon frog dancing around in a top hat and tails. It was real, and it wasn't pretty.

Also unpretty is the total shut-out for all the leading talent of Desperate Housewives, which didn't even receive so much as a nomination for Outstanding Comedy Series. Though it probably didn't help that the show was NOT FUNNY this season. Not at all. Not even a little. Not even when I was high (then it was just frightening). Big changes are expected for next season, including Teri Hatcher's replacement by a sock puppet named "Flopsy".

ABC is also probably smarting from the lack of nominations it received for LOST in any major category, but again I'm forced to cite the "Your Show Sucked Balls in its Sophmore Season Rule". Seriously, the season finale? What was that even? Ugh.

On a different note, I was thrilled to see Peter Krause and Frances Conroy's nomitations for Six Feet Under, which will live forever in my heart as one of the Best Shows in the Known Universe. Though I must note that Lauren Ambrose was certainly overlooked -- perhaps for her age -- and truly deserved a nomination more than any other actor on the series this season, as her performance was like a shining beacon of humanity that lodged itself in my viscera and took me on the most incredible journey. However, on the whole, the entire cast of this show was always sublime, and I will miss their inspired, brilliant, revelatory work.

Also, it's great to see that Grey's Anatomy was shown some preliminary love by the Gods of Emmy. Sandra Oh and Chandra Wilson deserve the recognition they received, though I believe every woman on that show deserved a nomination for their stellar second season-- which was a real tour-de-force, if you'll pardon the cheesiness of the expression. I especially admired Ellen Pompeo this year, who dared to take the role of Meredith everywhere that was demanded of her-- even to the point of the obnoxious leading heroine that viewers began to despise. Equally glowing, I believe, was Kate Walsh's indelebly delicious Addison, stranded between her strength and loneliness. Both Ellen and Kate's performances were beautifully human, which is the real reason I love Grey's, because it showcases such vulnerable humanity.

Also, congratulations are due to Donald Sutherland and Robert Carlyle on their nominations for their fine work in Lifetime's Human Trafficking. For anyone who didn't catch the billboards or commercials, Human Trafficking is the true story of Mira Sorvino going "undercover" as a whore [or mail-order-bride or something] to catch "thieves" that buy and sell young girls. That is NOT a joke. So don't laugh. Not even a little. It should be noted that Mira Sorvino was not nominated because she's already received an Oscar for playing a whore (Mighty Aphrodite, 1996), and everybody knows that once you get an Oscar for playing something like a whore or a retard, it's just second nature. Take Tom Hanks in Forrest Gump for example. No one knew it before then, but Tom Hanks is actually a little slow in the head. Touched, if you will.

Oh! Be sure to cross your fingers for Arrested Devolopment, because even though it's dead, it's still owed some major awards love for being the most intelligent ensemble comedy EVER created. Too bad it had to be on Fox, "where great television goes to die".

So before I wrap this up, I just want to say, Stockard Channing for Out of Practice? What. The. Fuck!? Ditto Charlie Sheen for Two and a Half Men, which I think should be re-christened "Shit Shitty Shit Shit". But mostly, I'm just happy that Doris Fucking Roberts cannot win another award for that awful piece of shit show that was on for 9 seasons too many. Seriously, take another little piece of my heart now baby.

Next year, maybe the nominations will be better. One can always hope...

my first obsession

2006-07-05T16:18:00.000-07:00

I know what you're thinking-- if I couldn't manage the upkeep of Popaholics Anonymous [wherein I attempted to blog about the Idol and various other television confections], how could I possibly manage to maintain a more regular site devoted to more daily goings-on? Well, allow me to explain...

Possibility and hope are two feelings that have an intoxicating power over me. I often feel a grand sense of possibility when I am out for a run, greeting the weekend, or even after completing a particularly satisfying evacuation of my bowels. Hope, however, brings with it the less-commonly acknowledged pandemic over-extension of my time, ability, and resources in trying to meet the exhilerating challenge of said newfound sense of possibility. Basically, exhaustion is the dirty mistress of both hope and possibility. I wanted too much out of Popaholics and it was so time-consuming that I just couldn't deliver. The solution? It's smaller, anecdotal fun on a [hopefully] daily basis. I'm even going to try to figure out how to use pictures. How exciting!

So it's true, I've decided to have another go at blogging-- because if someone as mindless as Perez Hilton can do it then, really, I can too.

Good day to you all!